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Friday, October 9, 2009

DEAR JESUS


Having one of those days so I decided to write a long winded letter.



Dear Jesus,

How are you doing? I guess that's a ridiculous question because you are the embodiment of all that is good. Scratch that, make it a third of all that is good. Its a third if you consider your father and that ghost dude. They both participate equally in the trinity. Wonder what it feels like to always share.

I was going to say hope you are having a nice day but you exist out of time. How can anybody compliment you sef? How can an imperfect mind compliment the perfect? Besides, as omniscient master of the universe you can have anything you want and you know my thoughts before they manifest. I have an idea though [Jesus, insert favorite self-compliment here].

Speaking of knowing thoughts, I've always wondered, how do you handle prayers? Do you intercept it in the prefrontal cortex or do you wait for the person to actually say the words? Well, I know in the case of the dumb, you'll work with their thoughts. If you don't, "nothing for dem". Is that a privilege you afford them like handicap parking or do you treat all of us the same? If yes, what about the retarded?

Speaking of prayers, do you handle all earthly prayers in realtime? In parallel as they come? What about other sentient intelligent lifeforms in distant galaxies did you die for them? Do you handle their prayers too? I would imagine that since you know all prayers before they are prayed, you can just schedule your response to all prayers for every soul that would ever exist. You could do that way ahead of time. Thinking of it, you could have done that just prior to making Adam. Just a thought.

Baba, I was wondering. That time you came back around after those Roman soldiers had fucked you up with the cross and all. How did you do the ascension moves? Because you came in human form yet you "ascended into heaven". I was going to ask how you handled breathing when you got into space but then you probably weren't even breathing at all if you made it to the higher atmosphere with the low air pressure and stuff. Why did you even need to ascend? Why didn't you just slide into the spiritual dimension? Like Justin Timberlake usually does in his videos but this time from one dimension to another. What were all them space moves about? You of all people know that space does not lead to heaven. Na you make am. Abi it was just for our ignorant benefit? Since that's what we thought then? Nawao.

Well, I just have only one prayer. Abeg, can you sign off on your earthly moves? I'm having trouble differentiating your deeds from random fortunate events. That would really help. I know you know all, but let me suggest that You can use some equivalent of that "fresh" sticker we find on fruits or sometimes some girls put on their cleavage/boobs in the club. Let us know when to say "Thank God" and when to say "Lucky Me".

I have this very offensive thing I want to say to you but I don't want to give the blog readers cerebral atrophy so since you know the thought [insert it here]

You know I have too much to ask but I just joined L.A. (Lengthy Anonymous). I'm trying to cut down on the lengthy posts.

Anyways, Na me dey hail Oh. Your Atheist creature that believes you are nothing more than an idea. You know, the guy addressing this to you just to reach those that think you dey chill for some third heaven abi fourth heaven abi space, while in reality you just dey chill for their heads as nothing more than an idea. This is where my letter ends. Not like you read it. After all, before molding Eve you already knew the contents of this letter.

If we ever meet(yeah right) I'll teach you some sort of a gangster handshake that only few can do using those nail holes in your palm. Your dad would probably approve. I've always suspected he makes fun of them. Does he tease you by trying to hang paintings/pictures from those holes?

Yours sincerely,
Enoch. (not the other one oh!. But you know who already. silly me)



PS: Speaking of molding EVE, were you attracted to her? I can imagine Adam waiting forever while you were caressing in the name of molding. Don't take that the wrong way, I'm just curious. I'm asking because you threw a fit when she put on her clothes in the garden. Kinda like a peeping tom would.

46 comments:

Original Mgbeke said...

Issues.

Anonymous said...

lwkmd @him throwing a fit like a peeping tom when eve put on something to cover up ..im a christain ( not a born again christain oo )but since I've been reading this blog most of the things we read in the bible doesn't sound right...for example like inthe book of genesis when god molded eve outta the bones of adam and then breath in her to give her life...hmm?..im know I'm rammbling but I'm kinda confuse now...so enoch and controversy if its ur goal to convert unsolid xtains like me ...its working ooooo but I won't let it happen...this is what I know right from my childhood and I'm gonna stick to it......
*off to read some bible passage*

Enoch said...

@original mgbeke Abi mgbafor
U must be new here

@anonymous
Only you can engineer your escape from the self inflicted prison that is religion

Anonymous said...

Errant NONSENSE!

Controversy said...

Hahahah Enoch @ Jesus being a peeping tom.
Lol @ he could probably have done that prior to making adam. So true. Lmao enoch i love this post jare.. 10/10

@ Mgbeks..
Lol

@ Anonymous
Personally am not tryin to convert anybody. I believe that every man/woman must do their own 'believing" alone. Now it's another matter, if ur belief is based on truth or not.
Lol @ u being an unsolid xtian. Well dats a damn shame

BLASPHEMY said...

@anonymous we dn't convert we only urge ppl to question their religious beliefs and seek for the truth!
@Enoch baba i throw salute to thee u too much o! bt i hope say bros jesus go read ur mail o shit i forget he is suppose knw it b4 the creation lwkm

cici said...

wow another great post kudos to the author...and lol at the peeping tom stuff lmao..

Myne Whitman said...

Ehmmm why are you discriminationg? Who is to say he wasn't obsessing over Adam's form too?

Come on, someone is an idea in my head and you're writing letters to them? Really...LWKMD

Enoch said...

@Anonymous
"Errant NONSENSE"?
If you insist.

@Controversy
lol. Just having fun man.

@Blasphemy
I salute you in return. Plus I genuflect.

@cici
Glad you liked it. The real credit goes back to Jesus in a roundabout way.

@Myne
Fine girl.

"why are you discriminating?"

You caught me there red handed. Isn't cognitive bias a bitch?

I usually don't have that issue but when it comes to sexual orientation, still haven't struck a balance.

Reine D'Afrique said...

wow

Enoch said...

@Myne
"Come on, someone is an idea in my head and you're writing letters to them? "

"You know, the guy addressing this to you just to reach THOSE that think you dey chill for some third heaven"

The operative idea there being, the letter is an elaborate hornswoggle. A lot of the stuff I write is layered.

ttlolla said...

orishirishi !!!!

nonny said...

@Enoch
Haba, you don't need my help in writing letters, you're an expert

Controversy said...

Lol haha @ ttolla.
Why the abuse nah?
U know like the letter?

Olafusi Michael said...

quite stirring.
Have you considered why you on earth? I mean what our exixtence is about?

Olafusi Michael O. said...

Nice concept too

ttlolla said...

now enoch is calling jesus a peeping tom!


Only God can save you guys! And am serious , only GOD!

LOL

Enoch said...

@Reine
Wowsers

@ttlolla
I tot orishirishi meant variety? This one Controversy said its an abuse is it polysemous?

I did not call Jesus a peeping tom. I just asked some fun questions. Curiosity is never a crime and if it is, it is victimless.

"Only God can save us"? Talk about prisoner preaching freedom to the warden. Na una need salvaging oh.

@nonny
And the debtor said to the debt collector "but you have a lot of money". Abeg gimme my letter jo.

Remember to add all those "when I look at you my heart dances galala"

@Olafusi
So you use Kubuntu. Have you tried something more flexible like Arch linux? I use that as well as Solaris.

"Have you considered why you on earth? I mean what our exixtence is about?"

Yes. And I can't answer the question. That's all the more reason I'm suspicious of people that claim they can yet offer irrational answers without proof.

Controversy said...

Lol @ ttolla.
Definitely only God, because Jesus can't certainly.

Hahhahahaha @ Enoch's response.
Lwkmd @ talk about prisoner preachin freedom to the warden. Lmaoooo enoch hahahahhaahahaaha..

Reine D'Afrique said...

@Enoch,
it seems that you are not really looking for truth anymore.
In more words than one, you claim to know the truth...that we who are christians are Prisoners and you and your character friends have become the wardens. Glad to see you found your truth.

And really, a peeping tom?
hmmm...I agree with above sentiments. Only God...

Controversy said...

Lol reine gonna mention u in my next blog post

Enoch said...

@Sacred
Read my letter very well. They were a bunch of questions. Not so harmless questions but none were accusations. I did not call Jesus a peeping tom. I just asked.

As per prisoner and warden. You can't deny that in your minds eye, the roles are reversed. I'm prisoner and you're...

Reine D'Afrique said...

all I see is a big big rant. Peeping tom just stood out I gues.
and no...I am not your warden. If you are a prisoner, I am definitely not the one to be on check....
if you are in prison, you are on your own, but I will come and visit...

Controversy said...

Haha @ in ur mind the roles are reversed. Your probably prisoner waitin on death row and she's the executioner

Enoch said...

@Sacred.

Then I guess you don't believe wholly in your bible. Its an important tenet of Christianity, to bring people to Christ. If the bible says sinners are slaves to sin and charges Christians to offer them life by evangelizing Christ, whether you agree or not it fits the prisoner/warden metaphor.

Reine D'Afrique said...

I gues you don't know the job of a warden then.
Its it not my job to convert you. That is all up to you.
I will live my life, and I will tell you what I believe, but the rest is up to you.
If you are in prison, and you don't want to get out...hey, not my problem really.
and if you are not in prison according to you...then that is all you too.

Enoch said...

@Sacred
I guess you don't have a taste for metaphors.

Reine D'Afrique said...

Metaphors are appropriate when used correctly.
And metaphors can be done with, if things were said simply and direct.

Enoch said...

@Sacred.
U have started again. Last time it was monotheistic/polytheistic semantics now its a simple metaphor.

What is the point of having this conversation when your inertia to learn is so glaring?

If it does not make sense to you then take comfort in your belief that I'm wrong. okay?

Reine D'Afrique said...

What semantics.
It couls also be that I chose to ignore your glaring facts.
and you are preaching to me about learning? now that is rich

Enoch said...

@Sacred
One more try is all I can offer you. Primary school style breakdown that you love so much.

"talk about prisoner preaching to the warden about freedom"

Prisoner =>sinner because one is a slave to a cell and the other is a slave to sin/death.

Christian => warden because while the sinner is a slave, the Christian is free. In the same way while the prisoner ain't free the warden is.

Sinner not free. Prisoner not free.
Christian free. Warden free.

"talk about prisoner preaching to the warden about freedom"

This is the last time I would break something down for your benefit.

Bye.

Reine D'Afrique said...

Oh merci

I got it the first time. and I still say that your attempt at the metaphor is inaccurate. try again

Enoch said...

Really you did? Wowsers. So tell me why its inaccurate so that I might bow down in worship.

Controversy said...

Lol oh u two...

Reine D'Afrique said...

bow in worship?
you are obviously confusing me with someone else.

@ Controversy...
we two? lol
it provides entertainment enough for me to keep my glass wine close, and my mind stimulated. So for that, I thank you.

Enoch said...

@Sacred
Cat got your tongue?

Reine D'Afrique said...

not the last I checked. and since I happen to hate cats...lol
sometimes, silence is not the worst of answers

Controversy said...

Lol haha @ the wine part.

Olafusi Michael O. said...

@Enoch
"Yes. And I can't answer the question. That's all the more reason I'm suspicious of people that claim they can yet offer irrational answers without proof."

Strong words, anyway I'll tell you what I believe it is.
Many, many, many years ago, Almighty God was thinking about the whole cosmos and then one big plan came to His mind. The plan was so grand that the earth suddenly seem void and formless. God began to execute His plan, for five days He created the needed scene/environment then on the sixth day He made man, the main character in the big plan. The plan was so big that He took time off daily to prepare Adam and Eve for it.
God decided when we will be born, of what nationality we will be and who our immediate family will be, because He has a role for each of us in this plan. So I am on earth (and came into existence) because I have a role and a part in God's big plan. I cannot live a worthwhile life without yielding to God, my essence and value is tied to my role and can be found in God.
Quite simple and maybe too simple, but that is my belief.
I am sure Jesus got your letter, but it will be most likely in His junk mail. (No offence intended)

Enoch said...

lol@junk mail

Nice story. Do you mind telling me how you came about this story? Is there any difference between how you got this story and how you got the story of "snow white" or perhaps "Eze goes to school"? I would also be pleased to know how you determined it is the truth. I am assuming that you want to believe the truth abi factual accuracy does not factor into your beliefs?

Immortal Jesus is a figment of your imagination (No offense meant). His junk mail with or without my letter is only in your head.

Controversy said...

Lol Enoch
In Olafusi's defense he did say he wud tell u what he "believes" in..
He never said nothing about telling u what he knows.

Lol @ abi factual accuracy does not factor in..
hehe obviously bro.

Olafusi Michael O. said...

How I got the story? If I tell you it will make little difference.
There is more to this life than is presently factually proved, that you something seems illogical does not make it unreal. My faith in God is based on facts enough to make me stick to it. In christianity you don't get to understand God and His ways until you experience Him.
We human are more than flesh and brain.
Though I am sure this will be nonsense to you, but I'll say it 'cos we can't do anything against the truth. We humans are tripartite - Body, Soul and Spirit. God is a spirit and you can't verify Him or figure Him out with facts and logic.
One more thing, do you think is no more to us than the less than 120yrs we spend on earth?

Enoch said...

I Only ask two questions.

1. Tell me how you got your story.

2. Tell me why its true.

Olafusi Michael O. said...

Got it by revelation from the scriptures (which you probably wouldn't believe is possible) and it's true because there is no truth other than in God.

Enoch said...

By revelation you mean an idea ascribed divine origin by discernment A.K.A without proof?

"it's true because there is no truth other than in God."
And how do you know this is true?

I reserve my beliefs for that which is demonstrably true. I'm a rationalist.

An idea which appeals to my "spiritual sensibilities" is not assumed true on that basis alone.

If not, I'll be no different from my forefathers that thought rain was the tears of the gods or that the earth was the center of the universe. Revelation has no place in my mind.

Controversy said...

PREACH @ ENOCH
Thank u somuch @ If not, I'll be no different from my forefathers that thought rain was the tears of the gods or that the earth was the center of the universe. Revelation has no place in my mind