Yo wat up blogsville? Long time no speak yo! Don’t worry, daddy’s back and he has something important to say to you. Yes daddy is about to have “the talk” with you, so sit down, relax and read because shit’s about to get real. Before we get into preventive measures and contraceptives, we gonna talk about abortion first. Of course this is assbackwards as fuck, but that’s just how daddy rolls so listen up kids.
I’m pro-life. And because of my stance on abortion, most of my liberal colleagues heavily criticize and argue against my philosophy, but most of their logic is flawed. One of my friends that I always meet at Starbucks once asked “Well I know you’re irreligious, so what moral ground do you have for being pro-life?” The question kinda made me smile. I guess we all need a religious authority/institution to give us a moral compass on life; we can’t just use common sense and logic to work that out for us. Anyways, where are some of the arguments I hear quite often from the pro-choosers.
• It’s not a human, yet: The argument is that after conception the baby becomes “human” and is now entitled to universal humanitarian rights but a fetus inside the womb of its mother isn’t simply because it hasn’t “developed.” So in other words, outside the womb = human, inside the womb = sub-human (simply because it has passed a certain “stage” in life), and somehow this is supposed to make sense. In order to show the absurdity of the argument, let’s apply the same logic to a different example: Killing a 24 year old should be considered as murder, whereas, killing a 24 week old shouldn’t, because the 24 year old has a personality, independent , has a state ID, and college degree and the 24 week old doesn’t even have pubes nor can he/she walk on his/her own so therefore, killing the baby shouldn’t be seen as murder for the baby isn’t much of a human anyway. You see how that sounds, well that’s how it sounds like when pro-choosers say shit like “the fetus isn’t fully developed yet to be considered a human.” For fuck sake, life is evolutionary, it goes through stages of development, reaches a prime, and from there goes through stages of decay. This is how the human evolutionary life chart looks like
Fetus- Baby- Toddler- Kid- Teen - Young Adult- Adult- Mid-Lifer- Senior
Every stage has its big moment before progress; Fetus become babies after they’re conceived, babies become toddlers after they gain limb strength and can walk, toddlers become kids after they pass the potty-training, kids become teens after puberty, teens become young adults after adolescence, young adults become adults after independence, adults become mid-lifers after a mid-life crisis (menopause etc.), mid-lifers become seniors when they go back to the stage of dependency. The abrupt end of the evolutionary process of life is death, and if the end is caused by another human being, it’s murder. Whether it’s stopping the kid from reaching the teenage, or a fetus from reaching the baby stage, it is all murder, plain and simple.
• If you’re pro-life, then you must be against capital punishment: Both are mutually exclusive. Are you really comparing killing innocent babies to killing guilty criminals? One deserves it and the other doesn’t. If you still can’t comprehend that then I can’t argue any further with you.
• A woman should be able to do what she wants with her body: True, but not so much when another life is at stake. Again, one only needs to apply the same logic to a different scenario to see how much sense it makes. If a woman is holding a baby and gently it with her arms and suddenly she decides to fling her arms upward, propelling the baby to be airborne and without an effort to catch the baby, allows the baby to fall on the hard concrete, shattering it’s fragile skull and causing it to die in mere seconds. Can this woman’s excuse for that heinous act be “a woman should be able to do what she wants with her body?” Think about that every time you hear that argument.
• Rape and Incest pregnancy: To be honest, this is a pretty tough one. When dealing with rape, instead of killing the baby, kill the rapist. Make rapist die the most horrid deaths imaginable, like crucifying them upside-down while unleashing a dozen ruthless, South-American bullet-ants on their scrotum. The baby is just as much of a victim as the raped woman; they both didn’t ask for what happened to them. Don’t make the baby more of a victim by killing it. If the baby is that much of a reminder of the wrong that was done to you, then send it to an adoption center. At least give the poor thing life, who knows, that rape baby may be future president of your country.
• If conceiving the baby can kill mother: This is where I’m 100% pro-choice. We are instinctual creatures, and we want to survive, so if another is trying to kill you, you have the right to self-defense at the cost the attempting murderer.
Most of all, I’m against abortion because it’s an irresponsible way of reacting to irresponsible sex. I mean we’ve all heard the phrase “Drink responsibly,” how bout “Fuck responsibly?” kids don’t hear that enough. It’s funny how parents don’t talk much about sex with their children, when that’s exactly how they got their children. Their kids ask them, “Where/how are babies made?” and instead of their parents to be responsible intellectuals, they tell their kids some bullshit fairy tale stories and then get disappointed when that kid at age 15 tells them she’s pregnant. And the sex ed in school is a fucking joke; all they do is put a condom on a cucumber and then tell you abstinence is the key. How enlightening! And this is where I come, to educate you poor young minds and prevent the dangers of irresponsible sex while giving you the best sex tips. So let’s begin Sex Ed 101 with Messiah.
First of all, sex is like driving; the one thing they’ll tell you in driving school is that driving is a privilege not a right, same rule applies for sex. But you are entitled to life, liberty and the pursuit of pussy. Sex, just like driving, is a skill which can be improved. Just like driving, sex is mainly about controlling the vehicle until reaching destination (cloud 9), however, unlike driving, sex is very physical (think of it as a sport) and requires a lot of muscular endurance/strength in the glutes, abs, lower back, and PC muscles (this is for both male and female btw). So when you’re at the gym, don’t be like those guys who work on their biceps and chest all day and forget the muscles that really count. Also just like driving, sex is a dangerous act that risks life-altering events. This is where protection and safe fucking come to play. In today’s world, there are so many ways to ensure safe fucking; birth patches, birth control pills, condoms, diaphragms, and if want extremes, there are vasectomies, penectomies, hysterectomies etc. You’re young, the point of sex is fun not to have kids, and using these methods of contraceptives will ensure just that. However, my favorite of all of them is a condom. Condoms do something other contraceptives don’t; kill two birds with one stone. Condoms not only prevent unwanted pregnancies, they prevent you from catching STDs as well. Of course, you might have heard some idiot rant about how condoms aren’t effective or that his shit busted and blah blah blah. When shit like that happens, there are three explanations; 1, he didn’t put in on correctly (this is why Sex Ed classes fail, cucumber and penises don’t have the same surface texture), 2, he bought a condom from 99cents store called Fantasy, and 3, all the above. If you wanna buy a condom, make sure you see a Trojan label on it or else go to a different store and buy it. Trojan condoms are lifesavers wrapped around your penis. I know this by personal experience, and because I know a couple who’ve been going out for 5 years and fuck like rabbits. He (the boyfriend) tells me he never fucks her unless he puts on his Mag (sounds almost like “swag” doesn’t it?) and till today they’ve been practicing fun, safe sex. Another thing to note is that, having a condom is mandatory for both sexes, don’t be that bitch who thinks it’s the man’s responsibility to have a condom, lemme tell you this kids, that’s how you get AIDS. Check this story out:
Chidinma, a beautiful Nigerian babe was at a club chillin’ at the bar trying to get a drink, when a handsome Hispanic man about 246 pounds, 6’ 2” dark masculine eyes, approaches with a warm and charming smile and asks “Can I buy you a drink?” Chidinma replied with a welcoming smile, “Sure.” “My name is Marco” he said “ what’s yours?” She told him, and then he said “Oh, you must be Nigerian, Ibo?” She replied enthusiastically surprised “Yes!” “Kedu” he said, “Odinma” she replied, almost smiling from ear-to-ear. And just like that a convo struck up, and Nigeria/Naija culture seemed to be the main topic. Then as the ice was completely broken, humor began to show up. They began interacting culturally and forming a new dialect/language called “Espanigbo” where phrases like “Nne, como estas?” were greetings. They danced, they laughed, they talked and one convo led to another and the topic of palmwine came up. Marco said “I’d love to go to your country and drink some of the palmwine, but since you’re in my territory why not taste my own version of palmwine?” He turned to the bartender and said “Two Jose Cuervos.” Little did Chidinma know she was falling right into his Mexican trap, although they ordered the same amount she ended up drinking more than twice of what Marco consumed and was getting a lil’ drunk. It was then Marco went for the kill “You’re too drunk to drive home, why don’t I drop you off?” at this point she didn’t care, she was head-over-heels for this Mexican guy, so off they went. Marco, being a seasoned veteran in the game, had everything planned out on how to get into a female’s panties, even how the ride home should be. Marco is the type of guy who listens to sombrero amigo type of music, but tonight he has Rihanna playing in high volume and a drunk chic singing to the lyrics. He picked the music in perfect order: What’s My Name, Rude boy, So Hard. So first it was “Oh na na what’s my name?” then “come here rude boy boy can you get it up?” then “I’m so hard!” This guy was sending more subliminal messages than the Illuminati and Disney Movies combined. The subliminal messages worked, cuz now they’re home and she’s horny. To the bedroom they go, and moments later Marco is hitting it from the back as she screams “Querido papi, harder. Mi culo es su culo!” Holy shit, since when did she start speaking Spanish? Since she started drinking Jose Cuervos, it’s been proving by science by a research lab of randomshitology that the more Jose Cuervos you drink the better your Spanish. Anyways, long story short, they fucked the night away, Marco was gone the next morning and Chidinma started feeling pain when urinating. She saw a doctor and found out she has both gonorrhea and full blown AIDS. Chidinma always thought it was the man’s responsibility to have a condom and not hers.
Well kids, the moral of the story is: Fuck responsibly. Sorry for the extra long post, but a long departure deserves a long return. Enlighten friends, kids, your kids about this post so together we can have an abortion-free world where people fuck responsibly. I’m Messiah and thanks for reading. Goodnight
