Sunday, January 31, 2010
The Parable of Santa's Believers
Isn't it funny how we never grow up? Growing up is only a transitional phase where we do, like, and want more complicated and "mature" things. Lemme give you an example; as kids we often craved for toys, whether it was an action figure or a dolly baby, then we grow up and crave for more complex toys like the new iPad, or an Xbox 360. Or as babies when we needed a pacifier to stop crying, and then we replaced it with a cigarette to calm our nerves. But perhaps the most relevant replacement to this topic is the Santa/God replacement; as kids we often looked up to Santa for something we wanted on Xmas day, and then adults we replaced him with God, and maybe that's why God's Son's Bday is celebrated with Santa's day. But seriously, Santa and God have so much in common you'd think they're family members. Look at all they have in common:
Gender: They're both men.
Age: God, as we all heard is eternal, and has been there since the beginning of time. Santa is also pretty old, as a matter of he was been old for centuries and doesn't seem to have any indications of dying soon. So I think it's fair to say Santa Claus is eternal.
Mysterious Location: God is said to be somewhere in the clouds and sky, but yet no satellite, telescope, astronaut, or even sky-diver has ever seen him there. Santa Claus is said to be in North Pole, yet no one has ever discovered him there. Even the British natural documentary narrator, David Attemborough, has documentaries about animals in the North Pole and Antarctica but has never captured this mythical man.
Omnipresent/Omniscient: God is said to be everywhere, and that you can't hide from Him because He sees all and knows all. Santa who lives in North Pole somehow knows who all the "good kids" in the world are, the only explanation for that is that he must be omnipresent and/or omniscient.
Giving: As long as you're good and join the right religion, God will give you anything you pray for, even eternal enjoyment. As long as you're good, Santa will give you anything, you request for on your X-mas list.
Arch Nemesis: God has Satan. Santa has the Grinch.
As much as they have in common, perhaps the biggest difference is their believers and how they believe. Kids just believe in Santa for gifts, they aren't willing to kill, die, donate money, start organizations or movements, or even claim to talk to and hear him, but we adults (and some kids in Jesus Camp) do. So I thought it would be interesting to create a satirical story where kids believe Santa the same way adults believe God. I called it "The Parable of Santa's Believers." Enjoy.
The Parable of Santa's Believers
In a remote land where kids remain kids and never grow up, a strange religious belief system is held. The children believe Santa Claus is God, and follow him in a spiritual way. They also have a set of commandments which they believe Santa gave to one of his subjects in the Himalayan Mountains that read as follows:
1. Thou shall not eat too much candy, except on the 25th of December.
2. Thou shall not believe in any other Claus but Santa.
3. Thou shall donate 10% of pocket money to the nearest Santa temple as offering.
4. Thou shall love Santa with all your heart, mind, and soul.
5. Thou shall not take what is not yours without asking.
6. Thou shall be respectful at all time, especially to higher authority.
7. Thou shall not do any kind of labor on the 25th of December.
8. Thou shall go to bed before 9PM.
9. Thou shall not cheat.
10. Thou shall drink eggnog and make merry on the 25th of December.
11. Thou shall be asleep by 7pm on the 24th of December.
12. Thou shall do whatever I tell you to without questioning.
There are many types of denominations of Santa Believers, among which are the two most powerful, the Santanians and the Palmers. The Santanians believe in the conventional Santa Claus that fulfills the requests of those who were good, made great X-mas trees, and wrote their request on a piece of paper called the X-mas list. So the real test of who has been good is simply a matter of checking the list of the commandments you've kept and if you've kept them well, Santa will reward you. However, the Palmers believe in an unorthodox Santa; they believe Santa Claus is a tree-hugger and doesn't appreciate the X-mas tree or writing the X-mas list on a piece of paper, instead they write their list on the palm of their hands, hence explaining their name. There are also minor denominations like the Sitters who request to Santa by sitting on the lap of a carved image of Santa and whispering in the image's ear what they want; then there are the Elvants who request to the elves to interceed for them. Although there are many denominations, they all seem to have many similiarities in their belief in Santa; the 12 commandments, the power of the X-mas list etc, but the little differences in their mode of worship is what makes them hate each other to the point of killing and dying for their beliefs. Each denomination believes that they're Santa's chosen and their oppositions are of the devilish Grinch. They even share a Christmas apocalyptic story, wherein they believe that on December 25th, 2012, Santa will descend upon Earth riding his magical reindeers, but not to give gift, instead to judge. On this day he will punish those who didn't follow the right worship technique by sending them to the Grinch's chimney (a Santa believing version of hell), while his chosen will merry and that epic Christmas day will last forever.