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Friday, January 15, 2010

LATEX PRAYER: AN EFFECTIVE SUBSTITUTE FOR A CONDOM?

I believe I was in my third year and it had been about a fortnight since I had convinced my then brand new chic to spread her legs on demand. On one of those unassuming fateful days of mint fresh sex, I had run out of condoms during a midnight session and she suggested I go skinny dipping. I chuckled and chucked it up to her finally finding her sense of caustic humor. However, when she persisted stubbornly, I thoroughly exorcised the thought from her head but that didn't stop the needle in my paranoid meter from going off the scales.

The following day. After swearing my rommie; Mr. Photographic memory, to secrecy, I told him about the babe's insistence on going rubber-free, and developed several possible reasons and frightful scenarios. In his signature 'you paranoid little tot' manner, he gave the entire episode a gut wrenching laugh and offered no input but an anecdote about his friend Chukwudi.

Chukwudi was in a somewhat similar predicament. He had tried everything imaginable to get into Ms Uju's panties and had been unsuccessful. Out of the blue, on an unassuming fateful day much like mine. Ms. Uju shows up all eager and ready for some good old pelvic thrust.

You guessed it, Chukwudi had no condoms. He searched in all the suspect places but couldn't find any. Ms Uju, perhaps from the same ignoramus-clan as my chic, signaled that she was ok with a naked penis. But like me, Chukwudi wasn't cool with that. He asked Ms Uju to give him a minute while he ran to the pharmacy to purchase a pack but Uju was having none of that. She motions to leave. In that moment -where opportunity met desperation- Chukwudi did what he has always done in the face of seemingly insurmountable odds. In this case, a sexual conquest afoot about to go awry. He buckles his knees and though I can't remember his exact words as they were related to me, but if memory serves me right, the gist of the prayer went something along these lines.

Lord Jesus your are the alpha and the Omega
The begining and the end
Jehovah Jireh, Rafa, Nissi
Please lord hear my prayer
I know that I am but a fragile sinner
And deserve no favors
I know fornication is a sin
But we both know that I am fragile
Please lord BLESS THIS ENDEAVOR
And forbid the devil from exploiting it to do me harm

Chukwudi then proceeded to have some unprotected sezzual action.

Coming from anyone else I would have called BS on this story. Mr Photographic memory, however, very much like Abraham Lincoln, is famous for telling no fibs (except, of course, to females). Add that to the mind bending experience of actually meeting quite a few of his 'profoundly odd' friends.

I know some of you might scream "Holy Fuck!" (lol) at the prospect of divine contraception/vaccination especially for fornication. But when you think about it, how is it any different from a foot soldier in an empire expansion war praying for God to sanction his evil and preserve his life? Or a mother praying that her raped daughter's abortion go smoothly? Or a father praying for death to befall a stranger with the right profile so that his kid can have an organ donor for his desperately needed heart transplant. Since I got acquainted with Chukwudi's story, I like to think of such prayers that have a similar motive of seeking divine blessing for sumrin sinful as 'latex prayers.'

So I guess my question today is... 'Latex prayers', Are they any good? Are they sinful? Or are they an effective substitute for a 'condom?' More interestingly, what would it take for you to offer a 'Latex prayer?' (dying loved ones are usually a good visual aid in such exercises)




PS: For the visually challenged, the pic is a rendition of Michelangelo's "Creation of Adam" painting. Only that in this case, God is handing over a condom. Sombori scream 'how very apt!'

14 comments:

Anonymous said...

You forgot the naija armed robber who prays for his robbery to go smoothly.

Latex prayer is foolishness and stupidity wrapped in hope. It goes beyond the sinful. Self control is the only antidote.

As i read, i knew it was you as the post was littered with your trade mark wit and irony. The comparisons you made...thoughtprovoking. The picture genius.

But why the silence? I will keep hoping that one day... *sigh* xxx

TayneMent said...

LOL..it is not an effective substitute oh. Hilarious post though.

TayneMent said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Azazel said...

Loooooooooooooooooooooooool long time since I've read a post so hilarious..
Last one that made me laff like this was Otunba's last post..
This is nice and idk if it's a substitute..
but when i was still a christian I remmeber that the only thing that would make me say a prayer for an exam or something..
I would say God please do not let these baggar teachers catch me while I cheat for this test in Jesus name.. Amen

Nice Anon said...

As if dem prayers will stop the little guys from swimming there. lol funny post though

BLASPHEMY said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHa, this is some crazy stuff and the pix up there got me wonderin, is dat not Angel gab? why is God givin him a condom, well we all know what does when he is on earth make dem virgins...........

leggy said...

this didnt make me think at all..it simply made me laugh!!

Azazel said...

Lol I just studied the picture again.. Wow.. Enoch how where u able to fotoshop dat???

Anonymous said...

omg....lwkmd. divine contraceptive indeed. wow!the things that desperate men do!

El-Divine said...

enoch...that is a outrageously funny one. wow!!! humans are wonderful creatures. even when making the prayer, the guys prolly knows God wont answer it. but at least d fact that he said the prayer puts the blame of any "fuck up" squarely on God's shoulders. smart guy!

Rene said...

holy shit!
the thing is that everybody thinks about their self-interest first

Enoch said...

@Anonymous
alienenoch007@gmail.com

@Taynement
Sure? i disagree! How about you and I find out once and for all? I kid.

@Azazel
lol@ exam prayer. funny. Wanted to make a point about how the biblical notion of morals is oversimplified but I think it got lost in the humor.

@Niceanon
"Come back come back come back come back to meeeee, Punisher
Punish me... ahhhhhhhIII've been so bad, so bad Won't you come back?"

@Blashphemy
Gabriel? I don't know who the Cherubs are but I can identify God and Adam.

@leggy
call me a smile merchant. :)

@Azazel
No be me do am o. google images supplied that one.

@anonymous
Yes o. Women do to sha.

@El-divine
I think so too. Silly Chukwudi.

@Rene
Yup thats right.

Suru said...

LOL this read was worth my study break. I know a girl who was binge drinking and prayed that she should only get drunk and not black out. I don't know if that fits though

Keesha said...

Remember Aids!!!!! It is still out there. There are many infected people that wish the hands of the clock could be turned back. Unfortunately, people are suffering a life time of misery because of a few minutes of fun.