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Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Azazel: TAKING STOCK OF 2009.

If you guys notice I rarely ever share anything private or personal about myself. It is not that I don't want to and it's not like am trying to be totally 'Anonymous'. A whole lot of people know who I am. But after the whole 'Controversy' situation happened where controversy was forced to leave the blog, I have found it extremely hard to ehn share anything personal/private about me. With all that said, I shall proceed with taking stock of 2009 with your permission. I give this whole year in my life a Solid A.

*sigh* On this issue I am a disappointment to myself, my family, my friends etc. Began 2009 as a 'christian', I am going to end 2009 as a non-christian/religious individual. Why I say I am a disappointment to myself is because I just do not have faith in anything. I honestly believe that a human who does not have faith even in one thing is extremely flawed, no be small. I think my problem with faith ever since I was a kid was that I never had faith in anything/anybody. That is why till this day I have been unable to muster up even a single bit of 'faith' to brighten my day with. I've always looked at things in terms of reasaonable/rationale. In 2009, I matured a lot in my humble opinion.I have learned to tame my ego and keep it in check lest it lead me to commit great folly. I also learned to speak my truth quietly and clearly and then listen to what people have to say. Give people the respect of listening to what they have to say, even if the whole thing is foolish/ignorant in my opinion.

Family bizness, I really don't have anything to say about this. I love my dad, I love my mom, I love my siblings. Lost enough cousins this year sha because of my ehn 'change of faith'. But it's all good sha, if they love me they will see reason one day. Idk how me not being a christian should affect our relationship as cousins but it's all good sha.

Lol I give myself a solid A- in this category. Even though, lately I've been slacking big time in the financial department but I began this year on a solid solid note.

Education wise I have excelled greatly. I am proud of my achievements and I've even won some things in regards to the good grades/gpa I have in school.

Beginning of this year I was 'talking' to this one girl, but apparently by mid may or so I had changed for the worse in her opinion.I and this girl had been talking for about a year or so and I cannot lie, azazel was madly in love with this babe. But in 2008, the babe had a car accident and became paralyzed, she now uses a wheelchair. A lot of things changed after that accident, my mindset about life changed abruptly, my priorities in life changed big time. I vowed to live the life I wanted, not the life that other people around me wanted for me. Afterall, man pikin has only one life to live in this world abi? Well because of the 'vow' I took I had to renounce christianity nah, I mean all my life I had been pretending to be a christian when I was nothing close to that. Well the babe I was talking to was a 'fervent christian' so me not being christian anymore put a serious serious damp on our relationship.I've asked myself many times, if I say that I am madly in love with her, why can't I just pretend to be a christian just to satisfy her? I mean it's not as if it's hard pretending to be a christian, plenty of 'lukewarm' christians out there. I've done it all my life, surely I can continue for a while longer?Well mehn, I can't pretend anymore in this stage of my life. For wetin?So I can make another person happy? Why? Shey me to no deserve to be happy in this life?Have you guys seen that 'geico comercial' where the cavemen are in the bowling alley and that song by '3 doors down' comes on? The cavemen sing the 'Let me by myself song'? Am sure those of you living in yankee know what I am talking about. And that song just exemplifies how I felt. Lemme even post the lyrics to the song so una fit understand :
"Lately i'm so tired of waiting for you

To say that it's ok, but tell me
Please, would you one time
Just let me be myself
So i can shine with my own light
Let me be myself

Would you let me be myself 

As in can azazel be himself?just for once, no need to pretend anymore. Look at me , I pursue happiness with her and clutched desperation. I wanted to solve the problem between I and her but I slowly found myself as an integral part of the problem. I started to wonder maybe I could be 'myself' in the next world not in this world. But I then realised that there comes a time in a man's life when he has to draw the line between 'free will' and destiny.
But anywayz, somepeople had the effontery to imply that the reason the relationship I and the babe had soured was because I couldn't handle the fact that she was 'paralyzed'. Hmm to that I say - Bullshit. Anywayz, so in 2009 in the relationship department sha has been dulling. Because I am only into naija girls and it seems naija babes this days are either on that 'christian/God' steez and if the guy they are talking to isn't on that same 'steez' they start to wonder if Azazel is the antichrist. And to another point, honestly I can't stand dumb babes. Like that just turns me off a babe, the babe might be perfect in terms of body and looks but if her 'brain' is dulling me, I get turned off big time. And some men don't realise this. If you associate yourself with a dumb babe, slowly but surely your brain will start to come down to her level and two of you go become dullards. 'Men's minds are raised to the level of the women with whom they associate with'. If your woman is smart, you to you will be smart, if your woman is as dumb as a broom(no offence to brooms) you yourself will be as dumb as a broom. And well I've dated on and off after that whole incident but honestly guys, I've not been feeling the babes and usually I would pretend to feel them but I just can't anymore @ this stage of my life. I don tire, because I know death is chasing me so I really do not have time to waste 'pretending to like somebody I don't. *sigh* You always see smart men with dumb women but you never see smart women with dumb men.

Thanks blogsville fam for accepting me, started in September and you all have treated me right. Shoutout to Chari and Buttercup for helping me start the blog. I am their 'protege/apprentice', and I am grateful to Ms O as well for also showing me what blogging could be about. Love all the new friends I've made on here, juiceegaal, Bubbles, Lady X, Enoch etc. (See one thing about giving shoutouts is that sooner or later, you neglect to mention someppl's names and if you forget to apologse to the people you forgot to mention, na so person go enter 2010 with new enemies lol.) See yall in 2010.


Enoch said...

Chief. 2009 has been a wonderfull year. Thank God for his blessings. I for follow suit&write a post like this but I'm paranoid about my anonimity and i'm still in the closet with regards to my faithlessness. I will not be the one to kill my aging catholic knight Dad.

As for 2010, it will be our year of deliverance :)

Lastly, I remain glad4all d friends I've made on this blog.

Realist said...

I was wondering whether a certain someone was Azazel, well this post confirmed i was

As i am semi new to the blog, well in terms of commenting, i will not post. Plus i tend to ramble. But i feel you on the "just let me be myself" that is what i have done this whole year, changed my life.

I came to terms with my faithlessness and found "a separate peace" with it and found faith somehow. Grades wise, i had the toughest 2 semesters ever, but i did it BIG!!! got disciplined and what not.

Relationship wise... well the last 2 weeks i kinda have been talking to someone, so yea it was ok.

As a whole... I ended the year better than i started.

TayneMent said...

I sometimes can't differentiate between you and Enoch and even sometimes wonder if all the people in your blog are just different personalities of yours lol.

Anywhoo, welcome to blogsville, at first I thought you were a pain in the ass, but it's always good to get to understand people and even though I still disagree with your faithlessness, I still think you are cool peoples. That was some deep stuff 'bout the chic you were talking to, and glad you were able to find yourself, sometimes it sucks that we have to hurt people and ourselves sometimes doing the right thing.

Have a wonderful and blessed 2010 (yes i said blessed) and like Enoch (who I still find hilarious) said, may it be your year of deliverance :)

Azazel said...

Lmao @ Enoch
Mehn i feeleth u onnot be the one to kill aging catholic knight dad..
Wetin man go do nah? I feel u on that.
Realist glad that u had a good year, stillt tryna figure out who u are sha cus u said u know Otunba.. but i think i sorta know who u are but am not sure sure.

Taynement, thanks hun lol.

miss.fab said...

Ahahn no shout out to me? As from 2010 we are no longer friends!

Since it's not 2010 yet I'll comment sha. This was nice. Glad to finally see a little bit of your story. I didn't realize you're relatively new to this faithless business. Hmm. Lol @ smart women don't do dumb guys... you got that right!

Enjoy the rest of the year. Be safe o, so we can remain enemies in the new year now. (I'm kidding abeg, before you think I'm serious lol)

Azazel said...

Wow miss fab. I take God beg u lol. Pls forgive me I am prostrating as I type this lol. We shall def meet in 2010.

JuaNita said...

There are two sides of Azazel now..good to know. Anyway the faithlessness thing, welcome to the club,I guess we're not all cut out to bible bash here and there.
Happy new year.

honey91 said...

i see azazel has a soft side afterall....
thats good to note...
see u in 2010

Rene said...

see u in 2010

BSNC said...

lol wait wait first, there is seven of you. Lord have person, how did i not see that. I thought it was you and controversy o. Kai i need to be floged.

Azazel we don't have any choice, but to accept you jo. I feel you on that shoutout thing, good luck with the enemies you are about to who send you

Azazel said...

Thanks Juanita, Rene, BSNC, and honey lol.
Yall rock

Myne Whitman said...

Hey my vic, now you're really on my hit list, no shoutout to moi? Your new hitman? LOL.

Nice to know you better dear and all the best for the new year.

Azazel said...

Wowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww lol lol lol .. Ok seee Myne now that's the big messup on my part..
U know u've been my hitman ever since..
abeg ma bi nu, sowee o..

Nice Anon said...

I cannot imagine what it feels like to have someone you care about become paralyzed. Must be hard!

Happy 2010!

Suru said...

Interesting post... I am with you on the whole faith thing like sometimes I feel like I just do it to please but how about give Buddhism a chance? I'm only in the beginning stages but it's already making a great difference in my life. Hope 2010 is a great year for you.

Azazel said...

Thanks nice anon. Suru lol buddhism ke? I gave that a try but that religion is to peaaceful for me.

Dith said...

LOL @ 'no offense to brooms'

So sorry about your failed relationship! That story was sad even though u added humor to it.

Well at least u gave 2009 an "A". Not many folks were fond of this year...including me.

Well I hope all works out for you in d forth coming year. I can't imagine being an openly atheist Nigerian. lol Must have garnered a long train of enemies. Haha!
But like i always say, LIVE YOUR LIFE!

N.I.M.M.O said...

Re: Your so-called faithlessness was a refreshing departure from the fake religiosity we were getting on Blogville.

Besides, your questions were sincere and your deductions most times could not be faulted.

I will ask that you just take this 'faithlessness' phase as just another phase on your journey to GOD. This phase will pass. I know. I've been there.

Ask the questions. Seek the right answers. GOD will come to you.

Neo said...

Aww Azazel, caught a glimpse of ur marshmallow heart there.

and no shout out to me, who fervently prays that u find ur faith...:-(

Happy New yr. may the new year bring for u definition and fulfilment in all u do.

Ms.O said...

You are just a fool!!! I love you either ways lil bro..xx!

Bubbles said...

*does victory dance*

my name, my nameeeeee
people love me on blogsville sha :D:D

sorry about your friend that had the car accident

leggy said...

nice stocking.

Azazel said...

Yep 2009 deserved an A, I feel that I really discovered myself this year. What I was about, who I am. etc

Hmm if this is just a phase then I hope I am able to come out firing when I enter the next stage. Cus it's going to be somehow lol.

@ Neo
Please hun, no vex.. i take Jesus our lord and savior beg u.. hehhe Happy New year in advance o.

@ Ms O
Love u to big sis

@ Bubbles
lmao u is a hot mess..

@ leggy
really? Nice stocking? I bear my heart out to u and the best u can do is 'nice stocking'?? Come onnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.. U really cannot be this cold lol. jkk.. love u hun..

See all of you in 2010, and be safe yall.

Ms. 'dufa said...

Happy New Year in Advance!!!!!

David.фаворит Бога номер-один said...

this was nice...
i see somethings under your
"fronting" lol!

have a good one bro and see you in '10!

muyiwa said...

wishing you happy new and wonderful new year

juiceegal said...

Good u finally put it out here. I'm proud of you. You seem to have found urself this year, thats a whole lot to be thankful for,people have to accept you for who you are, i've learnt a whole lot from you. Thats why u my
Hope 2010 is a better year for you...XXX

Anonymous said...

This was definitely a different read on your blog..'twas nice to read!

See you(??) lol in 2010 dude!!

Azazel said...

Thanks guys lol

Anonymous said...

Happy 2010 to you Azazel. Hope you reconsider your faithlessness this year.

Anonymous said...


Otunba 'JesusFreak' Jb-M said...

I really dont have any comment for this

Well Mr re very right...u have really matured over the seems college has really changed one thing u need to realize is dat...There is a difference between what you want in life and What is

RepOne said...

Awwww there is a heart under alladat "I don't give a fcuk" teehee

Good read!! Happy new year, dear!

Azazel said...

Thanks otunba. Thanks David, thanks Gmomsy, thanks dura, thanks repone, thanks taymee. Lol am replying this through mobile so if I forgot to thank anybody. Abeg ma bi nu o

Reine D'Afrique said...

I seem to have been forgotten.
You forget your number one namesis!

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