Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Azazel: TAKING STOCK OF 2009.
*sigh* On this issue I am a disappointment to myself, my family, my friends etc. Began 2009 as a 'christian', I am going to end 2009 as a non-christian/religious individual. Why I say I am a disappointment to myself is because I just do not have faith in anything. I honestly believe that a human who does not have faith even in one thing is extremely flawed, no be small. I think my problem with faith ever since I was a kid was that I never had faith in anything/anybody. That is why till this day I have been unable to muster up even a single bit of 'faith' to brighten my day with. I've always looked at things in terms of reasaonable/rationale. In 2009, I matured a lot in my humble opinion.I have learned to tame my ego and keep it in check lest it lead me to commit great folly. I also learned to speak my truth quietly and clearly and then listen to what people have to say. Give people the respect of listening to what they have to say, even if the whole thing is foolish/ignorant in my opinion.
Family bizness, I really don't have anything to say about this. I love my dad, I love my mom, I love my siblings. Lost enough cousins this year sha because of my ehn 'change of faith'. But it's all good sha, if they love me they will see reason one day. Idk how me not being a christian should affect our relationship as cousins but it's all good sha.
Lol I give myself a solid A- in this category. Even though, lately I've been slacking big time in the financial department but I began this year on a solid solid note.
Education wise I have excelled greatly. I am proud of my achievements and I've even won some things in regards to the good grades/gpa I have in school.
Beginning of this year I was 'talking' to this one girl, but apparently by mid may or so I had changed for the worse in her opinion.I and this girl had been talking for about a year or so and I cannot lie, azazel was madly in love with this babe. But in 2008, the babe had a car accident and became paralyzed, she now uses a wheelchair. A lot of things changed after that accident, my mindset about life changed abruptly, my priorities in life changed big time. I vowed to live the life I wanted, not the life that other people around me wanted for me. Afterall, man pikin has only one life to live in this world abi? Well because of the 'vow' I took I had to renounce christianity nah, I mean all my life I had been pretending to be a christian when I was nothing close to that. Well the babe I was talking to was a 'fervent christian' so me not being christian anymore put a serious serious damp on our relationship.I've asked myself many times, if I say that I am madly in love with her, why can't I just pretend to be a christian just to satisfy her? I mean it's not as if it's hard pretending to be a christian, plenty of 'lukewarm' christians out there. I've done it all my life, surely I can continue for a while longer?Well mehn, I can't pretend anymore in this stage of my life. For wetin?So I can make another person happy? Why? Shey me to no deserve to be happy in this life?Have you guys seen that 'geico comercial' where the cavemen are in the bowling alley and that song by '3 doors down' comes on? The cavemen sing the 'Let me by myself song'? Am sure those of you living in yankee know what I am talking about. And that song just exemplifies how I felt. Lemme even post the lyrics to the song so una fit understand :
"Lately i'm so tired of waiting for you
To say that it's ok, but tell me
Please, would you one time
Just let me be myself
So i can shine with my own light
Let me be myself
Would you let me be myself
As in can azazel be himself?just for once, no need to pretend anymore. Look at me , I pursue happiness with her and clutched desperation. I wanted to solve the problem between I and her but I slowly found myself as an integral part of the problem. I started to wonder maybe I could be 'myself' in the next world not in this world. But I then realised that there comes a time in a man's life when he has to draw the line between 'free will' and destiny.
But anywayz, somepeople had the effontery to imply that the reason the relationship I and the babe had soured was because I couldn't handle the fact that she was 'paralyzed'. Hmm to that I say - Bullshit. Anywayz, so in 2009 in the relationship department sha has been dulling. Because I am only into naija girls and it seems naija babes this days are either on that 'christian/God' steez and if the guy they are talking to isn't on that same 'steez' they start to wonder if Azazel is the antichrist. And to another point, honestly I can't stand dumb babes. Like that just turns me off a babe, the babe might be perfect in terms of body and looks but if her 'brain' is dulling me, I get turned off big time. And some men don't realise this. If you associate yourself with a dumb babe, slowly but surely your brain will start to come down to her level and two of you go become dullards. 'Men's minds are raised to the level of the women with whom they associate with'. If your woman is smart, you to you will be smart, if your woman is as dumb as a broom(no offence to brooms) you yourself will be as dumb as a broom. And well I've dated on and off after that whole incident but honestly guys, I've not been feeling the babes and usually I would pretend to feel them but I just can't anymore @ this stage of my life. I don tire, because I know death is chasing me so I really do not have time to waste 'pretending to like somebody I don't. *sigh* You always see smart men with dumb women but you never see smart women with dumb men.
Thanks blogsville fam for accepting me, started in September and you all have treated me right. Shoutout to Chari and Buttercup for helping me start the blog. I am their 'protege/apprentice', and I am grateful to Ms O as well for also showing me what blogging could be about. Love all the new friends I've made on here, juiceegaal, Bubbles, Lady X, Enoch etc. (See one thing about giving shoutouts is that sooner or later, you neglect to mention someppl's names and if you forget to apologse to the people you forgot to mention, na so person go enter 2010 with new enemies lol.) See yall in 2010.