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Tuesday, June 29, 2010


Edit - Your boy Azazel is up for two awards again on the 'Nigerian Blog Awards". I was nominated for "Best Moniker" and "Most Controversial Blogger". Voting begins on July 5th, so get ready to do some serious voting. Now back to the blogpost.

Pastors, pastors, pastors. To be a pastor isn't easy; one must put forth a consistent performance every week keeping the congregation tuned in. One must be smart, articulate and knowledgeable (at least have knowledge of the Bible), and a little manipulative. Those successful in this art become highly influential, famous and rich. Examples aren't hard to find: T.D Jakes, Joel Osteen, Chris Oyakhilome, etc. These men of God become little gods themselves, having a rockstar type life- except for the ladies, drugs and booze. But lately I've been thinking, a man of position is capable of being a big time pimp. Remember the prerequisites I stated earlier? Articulate and a little manipulative. Now, imagine if the pastor uses those skills to pull females. Think about how lethally magnetizing this pastor would be. Also lately, I've been in my Hollywood-state-of-mind, so I decided to write a fictional play-like piece for you to visualize my point:

After a faithfully Tuesday, the pastor approaches one of his church members who is in the library and draws her to a private corner. She's a pretty 5'5 even toned skin, nice volumptous breasts, well sufficient backed 22 year old babe. He has been scoping this babe for a while, knows she was going to be in the library and now is his perfect opportunity to harvest what God has sown for him. As he pulls her to a corner, he quickly looks around to make sure no one is near and then he proceeds:

PASTOR: (clears throat) Halleluyarr sister, I want to preach to you directly. You see the Lord has placed you here with me for a reason. He wants me to convey a message for you and you alone. Amen?
GIRL: Amen.
PASTOR: See the Lord has shaped you to be a beautiful woman, the book of Song of Songs Chapter 4, verse 1 says; 'How beautiful you are, my darling! Oh how beautiful......'
GIRL: (smiles almost out of control with the amount of flattery she is receiving).
PASTOR:(continues)....Then later on in that same chapter in verse 5, it says, "Your two breasts are like two fawns, like twin fawns of a gazelle that browse among the lilies.' Hallelujarr!! God wants you to know that He shaped those very breasts and molded that beautiful face just to glorify His name. Look at your breasts and say 'My breasts will glorify Your name oh Lord.'
GIRL: (looks at her breasts) My breasts will glorify Your name oh Lord.
PASTOR: The Lord also wants me to tell you about the parable of the talents in Matthews, chapter 25, verses 14-30. (pulls out his pocket Bible) I shall read:
'For it is like a man going on a journey, who summoned his slaves and entrusted his property to them. To one he gave five talents, to another two, and to another one, each according to his ability. Then he went on his journey. The one who had received five talents went off right away and put his money to work and gained five more. In the same way, the one who had two gained two more. But the one who had received one talent went out and dug a hole in the ground and hid his master’s money in it. After a long time, the master of those slaves came and settled his accounts with them. The one who had received the five talents came and brought five more, saying, ‘Sir, you entrusted me with five talents. See, I have gained five more.’ His master answered, ‘Well done, good and faithful slave! You have been faithful in a few things. I will put you in charge of many things. Enter into the joy of your master.’ The one with the two talents also came and said, ‘Sir, you entrusted two talents to me. See, I have gained two more.’ His master answered, ‘Well done, good and faithful slave! You have been faithful with a few things. I will put you in charge of many things. Enter into the joy of your master.’ Then the one who had received the one talent came and said, ‘Sir, I knew that you were a hard man, harvesting where you did not sow, and gathering where you did not scatter seed, so I was afraid, and I went and hid your talent in the ground. See, you have what is yours.’ But his master answered, ‘Evil and lazy slave! So you knew that I harvest where I didn’t sow and gather where I didn’t scatter? Then you should have deposited my money with the bankers, and on my return I would have received my money back with interest! Therefore take the talent from him and give it to the one who has ten. For the one who has will be given more, and he will have more than enough. But the one who does not have, even what he has will be taken from him.' Amen?
GIRL: (attentively listening) Amen.
PASTOR: The moral of the story is for us not to waste our talents and gifts. They are not decorations, they're not trophies. They are tools for us to utilize and glorify with. Now looking at you, I can see the Lord has given you many gifts. You have being blessed with a beautiful face and a feminine body. What have you done to utilize these gifts?
GIRL: (with a thinking look on her face and then looks to the heavens) Well, Thank you God for the gifts you've given me.
PASTOR: (unsatisfied look on his face) Well that is a good first step, but sister God is going to require more from you than just a flamesy 'thank you God.' Thanking God wasn't how the slave with five talents got ten, the Bible says he 'put his money to work and gained five more.' Sister you have to put your gifts to work in order to receive more gifts.
GIRL: So how do I put it to work pastor?
PASTOR: The question isn't how, it's where. The Lord our God has told me that He needs me to take you into the House of God immediately to show you how.
GIRL: So you want me to follow to church.
PASTOR: No sister, it's Tuesday our church doors are closed. But, because I am a Man of God, my body is the body of Christ, my lips are the lips of God, my heart is the heart of God, my mind is the mind of God, so therefore my house is The House of God. Amen?
GIRL: (feeling a little reluctant now) Amen.
PASTOR: (Senses the reluctance) Are you ashamed of something? The Bible says "If anyone is ashamed of me and my message, the Son of Man will be ashamed of that person when he returns in his glory." (rhetorically asks) So do you want the Lord to be ashamed of you when He returns? Then let's go before the Lord takes away your talent and gives it to someone who utilizes it like He did in Matthew 25:28-29.

GIRL: Ok so we are here, how does God want me to glorify Him?
PASTOR: The Bible says "There are many rooms in my Father's house." Allow me to show you the room He has prepared for you sister. (gently holds her hand and guides her to the master bedroom).
PASTOR: (still holding her hand, and now has his eyes closed shut) Halleluyarr, I hear God speaking to me now. He wants us to be naked infront of Him like Adam and Eve.
GIRL: (slightly angered) WHAT?
PASTOR: You are on holy ground, do not question your Lord thy God. Do so or face God's wrath for the disobedient.
GIRL: I don't feel comfortable with this.
PASTOR: You don't feel comfortable with what?
GIRL: Being naked around you.
PASTOR: Not to worry my darling, I'm not just any ordinary boy. I am a Man of God, therefore these eyes are the eyes of God. And being naked before the Lord is way of showing our innocence. Trust me, the Lord is on our side.
GIRL: (reluctantly undresses) Ok
PASTOR: (Opens eyes and is amazed at what he sees) Jesus is Lord!
GIRL: Now what?
PASTOR: Let's pray and find out.
GIRL: (closes her eyes).
PASTOR: Father Lord, you have spoken to me for a reason, you have placed us both at the same location for a reason, you have given me specific scriptural passages for a reason and have led us here in your house for a reason Oh Lord. Tell us how you want this beautiful girl to glorify your name oh Lord, in Jesus' name.
GIRL: Amen.
PASTOR: Lord Jesus! What you ask of me I cannot do!
GIRL: (curiously perplexed) What is it?
PASTOR: The Lord wants us to make love in this holy site.
GIRL: What?!
PASTOR: Do not be alarmed my dear, for the Lord sometimes requests for things of this manner. The Lord told Abraham to kill his only son, and Abraham attempted to and when the Lord saw his heart he stopped Abraham and blessed him infinitely. In times like this one must be very obedient.
GIRL: This is crazy.
PASTOR: The Lord works in mysterious ways sister. Now please let us proceed before the Lord angers
GIRL: (reluctanly gets in bed and positions herself)
PASTOR: (happily follows).
(Curtain closes)


Any party depicted in this fictional work is absolutely co-incidental. Therefore this is only fictional satire, so laugh and/or think. Peace.


The nitty-gritty tales of a housewife said...

lol...the sexual immorality among ministers is on the increase...just like a pastor telling a divorcee when last she had had a fuck when she told him it was her birthday & was ready to give it to her..A G.O of a church is having an affair with a widow who is a chorister in his church!LORD HAVE MERCY.

Realist said...

Oh yea... thats my kind of Pastor. Funny thing is that there chicks this dense that will fall for it.

Reminds me of the Boondocks episode on Tyler Perry

"All bullshit aside, can i get some ass?" lol

2cute4u said...

I was here
I read your post..
Congrats on your nomination..
Take care

Azazel said...

Lol funny post..
Hahaha Realist I remember that episode

皇銘 said...