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Friday, June 18, 2010

SOLITUDE + DEATH + FRIENDS = ??


Before I go on with this post, I apologize for any generalizations I may make, any grammatical errors I may make because am in such a hurry to write down what am thinking, that I can't stop to make any corrections. My brain has been skipping in and out so my thoughts have been all over the place. 
 

So most of us in one time or the other have come across a person who we loved talking to or interacting with and then if your like me, you realised you did not want to get to attached to the  person lest you begin to seem like the one who was 'What is the word am looking for? What is that 'word' that u call somebody who always calls/texts more than the other person?' I think its 'Loser/Creeper/Stalker/infatuated' etc abi. 

Ok so most of my life, I've always prided myself in being able to walk away from anybody/anything whenever I chose. I convinced myself that nobody was that important to me, whether friend/family that I could not cut them out from my life when I so wished. Well obviously that was a lie, because there are somepeople who end up being more important to you that you wish. Anywayz, have you ever been in that situation where you realise that your the one who makes the effort more to communicate to somebody than the person makes to communicate to you? What is the typical human reaction? Most people cease communicating with that person until that person communicates back? Most of us have done it one time or the other. 

So there was this female friend of mine who I was close to, we were very good friends. One day for some reason, I started to think that 'Hmm I've been the person calling her lately, I wonder if am starting to become a nuisance. Maybe I should wait for her to call me, maybe then my worries will be appeased. Keep in mind, I and this friend had known each other for a good 2 years so such things should not have been worrying me. Well that day she was on her way back to school, and while I was there dulling myself and ignoring her even though she had texted me, my friend went and got into an accident and I think she fell into a coma or so. Now when I found out that she had gotten in a coma, there is nothing like the guilt that comes over you when you realise that somebody you cared about might die before you got the chance to even say goodbye or farewell. I had not texted her back because I was still there fronting with my stupid ass, well my friend is fine now, she came out from the coma and everything is all good. But when that incident happened, I vowed to never let my pride stop me from letting somebody I cared about know that I loved them and really appreciated the fact that I was in my life. It's funny the things you think about and vow to do when death is imminent. 

Anywayz, being the human that I am, as time went by I have always messed up on that vow. I always cease communicating with somepeople when I feel that am 'making an effort' to be the first to holla at them even though they also holla at me also. I have this other female friend who has sickle cell and she's always in and out of hospitals because of that. My friend can die at anytime and I am fully aware of that, it doesn't bother me as much. What bothers me is the fact that I let that 'pride thing' come in the way again, today I checked up on her and she was in the hospital again. I normally talk to her everyday whether it was through BB or twitter but for the past 3 days I had not talked to her, and I knew deep down even though I did not want to admit it that I was avoiding her. 

I realised today that she could be dead, and I would be there again dulling myself like the first time and she might already be on her way to the mortuary and I would not know. I hollered at her, and that's when she told me she had been at the hospital. Anywayz, this got me thinking, everytime I convince myself that 'pride' does not matter and that the 'friendship' is to important for such trifle things to still bother me. It still  manages to win over me after a period of time, like after 3 weeks of being a good friend I end up going to my 'Azazel against the world state of mind'.

 I mean to be honest, am a loner, I love being alone and I bask in my solitude. But what good is solitude if it makes me take for granted the people I truly care about? I like being alone with my thoughts for a long time, some of my friends misread that and think am avoiding them but if I don't get 'me' time I turn sour. When I tell people that Death is the only thing I can say without a doubt that I respect more than God, family and friends. It's the only thing more than can take away everything you've worked for, everyone you love and do it in such a manner that it is irreversible. And when it comes to my thoughts about death, I feel that it can be summed up by this quote by Mark Twain - "The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time". This quote explains how I live my life everyday and how I interact with people in my life.

I know this is a long ass post, if you did not understand the post. Am sorry for that, it's my blog and I can write whatever I want. *shrug*. To be honest, I wrote this blogpost for myself, so I could reflect more. Sometimes when I don't put my thoughts in writing, they end up being all over the place.

17 comments:

Jaycee said...

I really really liked this post Azazel. The lesson I learned from reading this is that pride is a very dangerous thing, and it stands at the border of life & death.

Azazel said...

Very good lesson at Jaycee..
Thanks

SOLOMONSYDELLE said...

"what good is solitude if it makes me take for granted the people I truly care about?"

Wise.

Enjoy your solitude, but make room for the people (no matter how small the number) in your life.

Ah, you dis boy, you get sense oh.

=)

Enoch said...

Chief, sometimes you dey drop wisdom like say you be artist and it's an art form. Nice post.

My opinion on solitude.

That constant struggle between man-the-social-animal and man-the-soloist is a permanent fixture of a 'well examined life.' And I'm sure you know what Socrates thinks about 'an unexamined life.'

Basking in alone-time with your thoughts isn't purposeless selfishness. It might seem like it's done at the expense of relationships, but the trade off works both ways.

There's no such thing as striking a perfect balance in that regard. At best, one finds a good rhythm that suits the moment, like a playlist forged to suit your mood.

And while you adjust your rhythm per moment, or in a sense, 'play life,' you shouldn't deny that time and chance happens. It really does serve a bad purpose to adopt as your guilt, the innocence of random chance.

I know there's a gud chance I didn't make any sense but then Again, Very Nice post.

Azazel said...

@ Solomonsydelle
Thanks aunty

@ Enoch
Ur comment made a whole lot of sense to me. It truly did
@ There's no such thing as striking a perfect balance in that regard. At best, one finds a good rhythm that suits the moment, like a playlist forged to suit your mood.

I never thought of it that way, I always assumed that I had just never found the balance. Never considered that there might not be any balance to find.. Thanks bro

Realist said...

mehn! I do the same thing... I am not making any vow to stop it... its like this if i am not important enough to keep in contact with, then they are not important for me to keep in contact with them, fuck the cost, if they die, oh well i will be sad, and be at their funeral. I will not be anybody's fool. I only have one friend that i break this rule for... why? well thats a long story i might blog about

Fabulo-la said...

Hmmmmm...hmmmmmmm


*now chewing on the words..*


hmmmmmmmm



Hmmmmmm.."like a playlist forged to suit your moods"
hmmmm...

The wisdom you exhibit never seems to baffle me.

Azazel said...

@ Stefan
mehn! I do the same thing... I am not making any vow to stop it... its like this if i am not important enough to keep in contact with, then they are not important for me to keep in contact with them, fuck the cost, if they die, oh well i will be sad, and be at their funeral. I will not be anybody's fool. I only have one friend that i break this rule for... why? well thats a long story i might blog about


It's not that they don't contact me, it's that I start to 'overthink/overanalyse' sometimes and think am the only one making an effort to communicate in the friendship when that is not the case..
Idk if u would still just 'be sad' after knowing u didn't talk 2 somebody u cared about over a trifling matter.

CerebrallyBusy said...

This is my best post for the rest of this year.

Thank you for that.

Realist said...

@ Eche (since we are going by first names...lol)

yea i know (think) what you mean. If i feel like i am the only one trying to communicate, I will stop till the person contacts me. If i feel its not a 50/50 partnership, I will take down my percentage...lol My own is that i dont feel like i am overanalysing it, I probably am, I just havent had an experience that has caused me to regret it. I dont want it to be a one way stream.

Azazel said...

My apologies @ Realist..
I was absentminded while typing..

Thanks Cerebrally busy

Berean Girl said...

I have always been like you, loving my solitude. I guess I need to go out of my way to make room for people. Slow and gradual process...

lahlah said...

lol kinda wrote something along these lines a while ago, i try to treat everyone with respect and not hold grudges, etc, that's pretty much all i can do, i can't go around checking up on the whole world, everyone goes someday(sigh) oh, and watch this movie "INTO THE WILD" that one is proper solitude, i see you doing that one day.

The Messiah said...

I def agree with this post. Solitude is sanity.

Azazel said...

Messiah ur comment about 'Solitude is Sanity' is very true.
LOL @ Lahlah will definitely check out the book.
Yup @ Berean Girl

yetitweets said...

ditto ditto ditto all the way! *sigh*

Afrikim said...

ode....ure dying b4 me remember? i love u and i understand tht life gets in the way...no worries. nice post