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Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Azazel - The Sad Clown


THIS IS GOING TO BE A RANT...... AND I AM GOING TO RAMBLE MY ASS OFF.BEAR WITH ME.

Lol guys I am sad and I know what's making me sad but I still can't share it. I use to have this friend who I could call up and share why I was sad but she's in Nigeria now and she has not yet come back to yankee. I have just been thinking about my life mehn, and it just saddened me when I realised that I have a lot of friends and people that I am close to who share their life/secrets with me, but if you ask them shit about me they probably don't know a single thing. I thought about calling my momsy to talk to her about my life and what's making me sad but I know she'll say something like 'Azazel why won't you be sad? When you don't have God/Jesus in your life, what do you expect' and I know that immediately she says that I'll tune off and just go cold. Why can't a mother and son just have a simple deep conversation where a mother listens to her son and hears him out without passing judgement or bringing religion into it? Is that somuch to ask? Like forreal though, why must my happiness be attached to 'being a christian'? Aren't there 'sad christians' out there, like the fallacy of her arguments just slay me everytime. I yearn for the day I and my momsy will have such a cool conversation. Imagine the kind of relationship where everytime momsy calls me I immediately get alert and I watch every single word that comes out from my mouth because I know she's probing and she to is also on high alert trying to read into everything I say. I lie to my momsy like shit, I swear lies just come naturally to me when am talking to her and I think she knows it to. But what does she expect? Telling the truth to her is like Torture. Two of us acting like frigging 'James Bond Spies', am simply just tired of having such conversations and this days self I just ignore her calls because me no get strength anymore. There are just some people that when they call your fone, you have to answer it and tell them you want to call them back, because if you are not mentally alert when they call, by the time that conversation has ended you will realise why you hate picking their calls. I and my momsy have never had a close relationship and it saddens me, as for my popsy mehn that's another story. I want to be able to share my troubles but I can't even share it with the girl am talking to because she's just ..........
I just want to talk to somebody I can trust, but honestly mehn I do not know anybody and I'll be honest the only reason I fully trust the girl who's in Nigeria right now is that I know enough ish about her that I could destroy her with and I also know that we are very good friends albeit good friends who can destroy each other lol.  I will be honest that is how I think about friendships and secrets, I always keep reminding myself that one should not reveal 'secrets' when one is sad/depressed because the friend you are talking to then might one day get angry at you, and na so dem go open your yansh for public.. Yes I am paranoid lol, very paranoid lmao and my paranoia has put me in deep shit. Nothing makes us so lonely as our secrets lol.  And some of you will judge me but damn, you don't know how many things people have told me that they were suppose to keep secret and then the people that are telling me the secret think they are impressing me because they are sharing 'gist' with me. He/She who gossip to you, will bring gossip about you, and I am fully aware of that hence why I find it hard to share stuff with people.  and I don't know why. I should probably change that mentality but I've always been like that ever since I was little. I would only share a lil part of myself if I knew enough about the other person to, and this mentality has followed me till this day. And I know you all aren't used to seeing me type like this but I am sinking right here lol, like big time. I still can't even share what's sinking me because some of the people/things sinking me frigging read this blog.
Anywayz:
I wanted to enter politics, as in when I looked into my future I one day wanted to become a politician but I've totally killed off that Idea. I just realised that I just do not have what it takes to be a politician, I use to be able to lie, cheat and be cunning but not anymore mehn. I have a tendency to speak 'truth' even when I know that the 'truth' am about to speak will make me enemies and will probably turn my friends against me. I can't live a politicians life and I already know that to be a successful politician one must choose his poison from these two options. One must either be a Hypocrite or one must be a Liar. I am not saying that I am not capable of being a Hypocrite or a liar but mehn, the way my own craze they work na something else. I can't tow a party line for shit, I like to go it my own way and I absolutely worship truth in any shape or form it comes and I don't care how brutal/disturbing it is I want it out there. Now I was reading Socrates and he basically said that a politician cannot possibly do what I want to do because such a politician would be assassinated a year into office and I know with all my heart that what he was saying is so true..
I remember when I was growing up as a kid, I lied to momsy about something and she said 'Always tell the truth and never lie again' but momsy lied to me though. It is not possible for anybody to go throughout life always telling the truth, that's a recipe for early death. See if I have kids I will tell them that lying is not good but that if they plan to tell the truth in every situation they come across then they should be prepared to die before the age of 30. I will let them know that Truly, to tell lies is not honorable; but when the truth entails tremendous ruin, To speak dishonorably is pardonable".
 And this might seem a little extreme to you all, but again I want you all to think about it again. Is it possible for a person to tell the 'Truth' in every situation/circumstance they find themselves in? Take for example the other day one of my female friends on FB asked me 'Azazel do I look like my celebrity look-alike' trust me as a sharp guy I told her that she looks 'finer' self, she knew I was lying right? But she wanted me to say what she expected to hear so you see even in small situations like that one tells 'little white lies'.

Lol as I was typing this, one of my female friends called me and I was just looking at the phone wondering whether to pick up or not. Because I know that she is going to say that I am a bad friend that I promised to call back and I did not call back and God knows I've promised like 4 people that I would call them back when all I do is forget to call. I use to be so good about calling people back, but mehn this days I just don't care. I remember when I was like 16 or 17 I used to love to make friends, like I wanted to know everybody in the whole frigging world. But look at me now? Every chance I get, I look for an oppurtunity to lose one more friend, because I don tire seriously,I am starting to feel like I can’t maintain the facade any longer, that I may just start to show through. Because am tired of smiling and shining teeth to people, when all I simply want to say is that 'I HATE YOU WITH A PASSION'. And I wish I knew what was wrong. Maybe something about how stupid my whole life is. I don’t know. Why does the rest of the world put up with the hypocrisy, the need to put a happy face on sorrow, the need to keep on keeping on?... I don’t know the answer, I know only that I can’t. I don't want any more vicissitudes, I don't want any more of this try, try again stuff. I just want out. I’ve had it. I am so tired. But then I think it was Miss O who use to say this one phrase to me that always made me laugh, because everytime she heard a sad story she would say something like 'you will be fine', at first that phrase use to annoy the heck out of me but it really still cracks me up. The way she just use to say it, made me think that she was 'cold' when in reality she's just being honest. Afterall this complaining I have sha done, life must still go on abi? Unless I am preparing to go jump off that cliff by my house then I should really stop complaining and just move on with life. Hiss look at me, talking like my own issues are that serious when there are children in Darfur/Congo being raped as I speak. Please, my blogsville peeps my apologies for wasting your time in having you read this nonsense, my problems are not significant and they definitely pale in comparison to other shit people are going through. Good luck and Good Night. 
When am sad lol, I listen to two songs from Sound of Music lol, I know it's crazy but they make me laugh. One is 'So long, Farewell' and the other one is 'Favorite Things'. Yall should youtube it or something.

79 comments:

Neo said...

im actualy first! yay! aww u must be really sad. YOU WILL BE FINE, hope that made u laff. just bcos there are ppl out there having worse days doesnt mean ur own issues are irrelevant.

2cute4u said...

I'm its you here Azazel that way, I can say anything I damn well please.. What's with you na? stop being sad cause I don't want to go back to that department..I'm not happy with you oh.. better you talk to faceless me na.. haba tabi you don forget me? FREE ANSWERS TO YOUR QUESTIONS.
I could also double up as your listener, never judging, never betraying..
lol, your talk about politics reminded me of my boss, who only God knows where he went to get a spiritual divination and now he's a politician, after having lost 3 times and had given up.. I no wan talk to am.. Luk, mr man, cheer up k?mum are that why.. what you have to do is challenge to be better,like a listener? not continuously condemning?.. take care.. xoxo
www.askchacha4free.blogspot.com

Enoch said...

Chief. Stand strong.

Take a step back and peer down at your emotions and recognize them for what they are; A bunch of biochemicals trying to boss you around.

This recognition with repeated practice can give you a mastery over self that leaves you amused when events try to stir you up.

Soldier. "Nothing do you."

EDJ said...

Azazel, you WILL be just fine. As far as having multiple friends telling you stuff you don't want to listen to. You already know the cure to that. So why complain?

You are right that your problems pale in comparison to some others, but that doesn't mean they aren't important. Its okay to be selfish sometimes.

As for parents not "understanding". I have given up every hope of trying to connect with mine. I don't hate them or anything, but I just don't argue with them anymore. Or talk to them that much either. It seems like that is the point you are also getting to. At least you get to escape in school, I'm at home! They take this personally, and I have tried to explain to them that they shouldn't.
As I wrote in my post about "Parent-Child Separation Syndrome", distancing between children and parents is a completely natural part of growing up. The alternative is to become a mama's boy and you don't want that, do you?


Btw is Enoch not just Mr. Sensitivity?
"A bunch of biochemicals trying to boss you around"

Such a touching statement!

Nice Anon said...

No man is an island they say. Surely there is someone in your life you can talk to when you feel the way you do. Sound of music is my fav movie and I love all the songs. Feel better soon

Myne Whitman said...

Hear have a hug, I don't know what to say except maybe these kind of days happen and sometimes, we do get over it. If I call you will you talk?

Sugarking said...

1. "Nothing makes us so lonely as our secrets" I subscribe to this whole-heartedly jare.

2. "to tell lies is not honorable; but when the truth entails tremendous ruin, To speak dishonorably is pardonable". Is this yours abi u fap am from somewhere? Sha, me sef don fap am.

3. Azazel, I hope u r not suicidal o!!! If u are tell me now make I commot for blogsville o. Because this looks every inch like.....em...em...a suicide note o! Joking jare.

My brother! in the words of MISS O, "YOU'LL BE FINE!!!!!"

leggy said...

lol...i hope you feel better azazel.
you should please call someone and talk to the person...keeping too many things inside the heart is really bad.biko oh.talk to someone.

Vera Ezimora said...

Goodness, Azazel!!! This your rant is too long na! LOL. Biko, use more paragraphs next time. My eyes are hurting. I am now confused sef. LOL.

Oh, ehm... you wanna talk to me, then?

*wink, wink*

Azazel said...

Lol vera thanks..
Neo thanks,
2cute4u
Nice Anon
Enoch
EDJ
Myne
Sugarking
leggy
THANKS GUYS!!!

TayneMent said...

Pele, everyone goes through sad phases. At least you have one person to talk to. why cant you call her in nigeria? anyways feel better Azzie!

Realist said...

start working out... I dont mean some petty shit like running a treadmill, i mean lifting weights and stuff, you will be relieved of all this stress.

Azazel said...

Lol @ realist
Thanks taynement.

HYAW said...

Azazel, you sound very depressed. i can only try to be positive. so 'you'd be fine'

JuaNita said...

Parents and understanding? pardon me but it's like telling Obama and Bin laden to make out. Call her..try at least. It's a phase surely you'll come out of it and from Miss O "You'll be fine". cheer up! :-)

Rene said...

you seem sad, if you want to talk; sugarplumrene@gmail.com
What am I doing? I'm not a therapist, just do whatever makes you happy

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Azazel said...

Thanks Rene
Thank u Juanita
Thanks Hyaw

LucidLilith said...

It sounds like you got the blues. It will pass. Maybe you should focus on making friends you can share things with.

Azazel said...

Lol i don't have time for that

Anonymous said...

Every young man, including myself, goes through this phase -- that is why teenage years are the most treacherous, and therefore every teenager has to guard them carefully. Do not discount the effect of biochemicals coursing through a developing body.

Go back to the foundation that l am sure was laid down for you -- no other foundation can be laid than that that was laid in Christ Jesus.

Thank God for His mercies upon your life: if you were in Abia State University Uturu-Okigwe fetching water from the stream, with no access to internet because NEPA does not give light and because there are very few (not to talk of dilapidated) dinosaur-computers, you will have no time or the means to muse over inanities. The young men in ABIASU go through the same developmental stages but they are too busy trying to just survive every day till they escape Nigeria to have time to blog about teenaage blues; but, instead, they concentrate on praying and working hard and seeking help from any body that can assist financially.

Note: over 10,000 people kill themsleves in Japan every year, despite this being the 2nd largest economy in the world. How many people kill themselves every year in Nigeria -- or Central African Republic or Sierra Leone for that matter. The difference? Hope. Faith. Love. Humanity. Sense of the real. Real hardship that concentrates the mind and necessarily avoids distracting trivialities.

You should concentrate on thanking God for the incredible opportunities you have had and do have and reconnect with your family who must love you to have been taking care of you all these years.

Get a grip of yourselve and concentrate on your studies. God loves you.

Azazel said...

@ How many people kill themselves every year in Nigeria -- or Central African Republic or Sierra Leone for that matter. The difference? Hope. Faith. Love. Humanity.

What if the things those people put their 'hope' faith and love in are not based on Truth but on delusions. What then? is it ok for a person to keep on living in a delusion even if it is not based on truth?
U make a good point, my problems are nothing compared to most other people's problems hence why I made a note of that @ the end of the post.

U speak of foundation, and trust me when I tell u that I have tested that foundation and I have found it seriously lacking.

@ they concentrate on praying and working hard and seeking help from any body that can assist financially.

And when they have gotten all they want, people will now call them successful? Because they have worked hard for their money, so is this what our human existence has been reduced to? Making money and being called successful by your peers??
I tell u that some of those things just do not appeal to me....

24yearOldTeEnAgeR said...

What can i say. Your sad clown pix looks nice.....i like it. I like.

Anonymous said...

Hi Azazel....jst c-n dis...kinda new to this blog stuff...hope u dnt feel sad nymore....u sud call d girl in Nig ure comfy with....cuz trust me..u nid 2 let it out!!!!once u do, u'll feel bera...also...y not take a vacation or sumfng...it may help.....well...it kinda helps me.. :-)....

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