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Thursday, April 8, 2010

God the Pimp

Before I speak my mind on this blogpost, I’m going to have to warn my fellow readers that this contains some hardcore shit. This post contains a little bit of sexual references and I’d advice those below the age of 18 and above the age of 72 to please leave. This is also not recommended for the closed minded or for the weak stomachs, and if you accuse people of blaspheming a lot, then you might also want to leave too. This is also not for people with no sense of humor or with little recognition of wit and sarcasm. Since I have taken the precaution to caution the cautious, I thereby have no responsibility over your actions of anger and hate after reading this post. For those of you who dared stay, please feel free to kick back, grab some popcorn, and enjoy a laugh while exercising your ability to think rationally, after all it's only a satire.

First of all, I’m quite an unconventional thinker, what people call life I call a casino, where there are winners and losers, gambling to survive where every decision made could be the last. What people call a kitchen I call a chemistry lab, where cooks become scientists, mixing, boiling and cooking up substances that satisfies the stomach and energizes the rest of the body. And when people say God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit, I say God the Pimp. Think about it for a sec. Do you know how many people are currently in a personal relationship with this same man? The other day I was browsing facebook, when I stumbled upon this one lady’s page. On her info, the relationship status read: In a relationship with Jesus Christ. If only she knew that she wasn’t the only one in his life. In fact, He has been cheating on her with many others whom just like her, are in a personal relationship with Him. Now if it were any other guy, the girl would have been heartbroken knowing that she was only one of many, but this Jesus pimping is on a whole ‘nother level. But you know what? I think Jesus got his pimping from his dad, Baba God, just look at the story of Mary aka Iya Jesu: Baba God sent an angel to tell Mary that Baba God wan give am belle. Mary co-operated and that’s how she became Iya Jesu. Now let’s analyze this properly, first of all, God sent an angel to spit game for him. I mean, you wan try levelz? That's equivalent to a man sending his houseboy to go and get a lady in his bedroom. You have to be seriously pimping for that event to occur. Second of all, God did this knowing Mary was already engaged to Joseph. God made Mary CHEAT ON JOSEPH!!! And some of you may be in denial and say, "Well God really didn't have sex with Mary," and I'd have to reply, "how naive are you?" Keep in mind that all throughout the Bible, God was referred to as "He." The only time the word "He" is mentioned is to describe a male specie, or something with a penis. So that actually makes God, a sexual being, and with that as a given we can conclude He had sex with Mary to create Jesus (and might I add, it was also pre-marital sex because God never married Mary). The funny thing is, I'm not the only one who thinks God had sex with Mary, as a matter of fact, this is a common Mormon belief. A little sideshow though; let's look at the story from Mary's perspective. Imagine how flattered this woman would have been. I'm sure she felt like the baddest bitch in town, I can just imagine her friends talking about the boys that have crushes on them, and then Mary killing their conversation with a line like this, "You think you are all that because those small boys want you, let me tell you who is on my jock, Baba God!!" In fact, Mary probably goes down in history as the woman with the best vagina in history, because to have a coochie that is so good that God wants it, it must be the greatest vagina humankind has ever produced. Anyways, back to the topic at hand, if you look at the evidence of God's pimpingship, you don't have to look any further than convents, cloisters, or monasteries where nuns stay. Every single nun you would find there, believes they're married to Jesus (and that's why they don't have sex or marry anyone else). Isn't that remarkable? One man marrying millions of women. With that status, I would have to say forget D'banj, Jesus is the original koko master.

But there is a twist to his pimping, he gets men too. Not all those who claim to be in a personal relationship with Jesus are females, infact most of them are males. Even in the Bible, he always had 12 disciples (or as Pat Condell put it "12 boyfriends") follow him everywhere and where the closest to Him. At the hour of Jesus's capture, one of the 12, kissed him to identify him to the soldiers. Made me think for a sec. There were many other ways of identifying Jesus amidst the little crowd he was in, Judas could have pointed him out, dragged him out, or simply called him out, but he decided to do the most intimate action between a couple (so sacredly intimate that most hookers dread doing this deed, but are more willing to do everything else), he kissed Him. Hmm, makes me really wonder if there is a double meaning to Jesus's quote, "I will make you fishers of men." Anyways, enough of my blasphemy, I just pissed off 2.5 billion people and I think I should pretty much call it a day. And if you're one of the people I pissed off, remember I already warned you. So don't blame me, blame it on the goose got you feeling loose.......


Azazel said...

Hahahahahahahahahaha oga messiah u are indeed tomuch.... I loved this

El-Divine said...

dang got me laffin so hard i forgot i was a christian and should be annoyed. and to think that it all made sense...that weas what got me. you killed it man!

Anonymous said...

I find it quite curios that you will take time out to piss 2.5 billion people off with your 'blasphemous' write up.

I can suggest a million positive things you can do to put a smile on peoples faces that will be more fulfilling. I smile at your write up because i am rest assured that your soul struggles to find peace. hopefully once the high of this cheap thrill you seek from deliberating 'pissing people off' dies off, you will seek that which eludes you but which you desire and need sooo desperately.

As for Azazel, your joy is the same reason for your misery. keep laughing - your transient laughter. pele, i know your soul remains totured but be rest assured that you will once again find peace.

Azazel said...

loool anonymous..
Say that I did what to u now? Can I not laugh in peace if I find something funny?

Explain this to me..
My joy is the same reason for my misery...???
Lol I know my soul is tortured thank u for informing me of what I already know.
But back to the post, it was hilarious

Azazel said...

Lol and he did warn u that if u were the type to rant against blasphemous ppl, u should kindly excuse urself.

Realist said...

i snickered at the sending the angel to spit But the post in general is kinda expected. Almost every post here is bashing Christianity but I am not offended or anything. I would probably have laughed my heart out at this if it was my first time here.

The Messiah said...

@Anonymous, I didn't take my time out just to piss off every christian on the planet, I just took my time to type my mind. I did say I was an unconventional thinker, and what was on my mind was unconventional. Besides, when you have something that's taken so seriously like religion it's way too easy to make fun of it. What a paradox

Myne Whitman said...

And you take the name of the one you criticise? They say emulation is the best form of adulation. Take it easy sha.

Anonymous said...

I love coming here to watch people who are dancing their way to Hell!!!
You're gonna b Satan's bitch!

Anonymous said...

I long to come to this blog to see anonymous full-spectrum dolts, much like yourself, who believe in and are cowardly panicked by mythical hotspots, like hell, dreamed up in iron-age remote-control literature. Hardy ha


looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooolseriously i am loving dis !!!!

oroque said...

i'm training to be a worker in my church so i won't even laugh at that post but its completely hilarious!!! i can't believe you haven't been struck by lightening or something?! lol...guys like you create the balance between good and evil (you being the evil part, of course). hahahahaha @ "feeling like the baddest bitch in town". thats a nicki minaj song!

Anonymous said...

@mini me/2nd Annon!!!:

Hahaha, Man, you even concoct daft sounding grammar like some impish demon from medieval times!
"I long to come to this blog... come..." and "Hardy ha" my bullocks!!!Hahaha You crack me up!

My comment isn't necessarily about matters of faith, it's about simple respect for what other people believe in, what many have DIED for, whilst some dafties lagg behind a monitor making senseless jokes about things they clearly have no understanding of.

Nope, i'm not going to join the multitude and give a weak laugh just so not to rile your stupid childish disdain, i'd rather say, THIS ENTRY ALONG WITH ALL THE OTHERS ON THIS PAGE, ARE CHILDSIH HAVE LACK UNDERSTANDING!

I'm a Christian, and i ain't laughing;-)

Suru said...

For me this write-up was predictable but still interesting. I think most men with God's power would be a pimp too lol. But the last part about kissing didn't really work for me because I don't think it was anything out of the ordinary for that time. I'm pretty sure men kissed men as a form of greeting and it's still practiced today in some parts of the world. And what if Mary's vagina wasn't why she was chosen? Maybe he actually saw more than that in her? I'm just sayin'

F said...

Trouble maker!!! LOL... Well, I guess if you saw it as God having a relationship with the human race as a whole (which is what the Bible says is His desire) then it could still be monogamy... :)

The fact that Mormons believe God had sex with Mary leaves room for debate. Catholics believe in Purgatory but that is still open to question. The gender of God is a question that is irrelevant since the Bible says God is actually a spirit... One above human concepts like gender or sex.

Plus, reference to God as male is never meant to be taken literally- it's all for understanding. People generally (even till this day) see men as greater authority figures... The Bible also describes God as a rock, a consuming fire and a rushing wind. Now, we don't think there is a burning rock amidst a hurricane sitting in the skies, do we?

The warning for those below 18 and above 72 cracked me up... Old people no sabi laugh??? This is blatant ageist discrimination!

The Messiah said...

Haha @suru, "And what if Mary's vagina wasn't why she was chosen? Maybe he actually saw more than that in her? I'm just sayin,'" if He saw more in her, why did he only have a one night stand? And if most men with God's power are pimps, then those men must tell me the koko.

@F, how was God's male gender used for human understanding? He is just an anthropomorphic being created by men. I believe God didn't create man in his image, but man created God in his image. But anyways that a different discussion, and for the 'God described as a rock' so was Peter.

F said...

Exactly... So the idea of God was anthropomorphised in order for His message to be clearly passed across. Many people can identify with the image of a Father, so portraying God in this way allow believers to have that connection- one which might be less difficult to fathom with an intangible, supernatural essence.

And about the rock... They are all metaphors... Peter was a rock as in the cornerstone upon which the Church was based, in the same way God was described as a rock to illustrate his steadfastness... Same difference. :)

F said...

LOL... meant "more difficult to fathom with an intangible... blah blah blah... " This typing thing no dey work out today at all... SMH

The Messiah said...

What if God is actually a man and the rock is just a metaphor(just as you said)? The Mormons believe he is. And besides according to your Bible, God made man in his image, so God's image is that of a man. Right?


I swear, I never thought of it like that. Never in my days. But, in a funny way, you are absolutely correct. If we look at the relationship many humans have with God through basic human relationship structures & understandings, you are probably spot on or at least close.

Of course, Christians see things differently, right? God/Christ has the capacity to love all his children (men or women) equally. And, doing so does not conjure images of a pimp-ho dynamic. Matter of fact, I can't wait to read the comments in reaction to this. They are bound to be ... entertaining.

Anyway, you cracked me up with this one.

F said...

I thought people had fashied this post sha... "Man" = mankind (male and female)

Gen. 1:27 "So God created man in his own image,in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them."

We are created in the image of God in the sense that unlike all other creatures, we have a spirit... The part of us that is supposed to have a connection to God. This is the way I interpret it... Choosig to believe it is a different matter. However, as God is not a physical being, I doubt the image referred to physical qualities.