Thursday, April 8, 2010
God the Pimp
Before I speak my mind on this blogpost, I’m going to have to warn my fellow readers that this contains some hardcore shit. This post contains a little bit of sexual references and I’d advice those below the age of 18 and above the age of 72 to please leave. This is also not recommended for the closed minded or for the weak stomachs, and if you accuse people of blaspheming a lot, then you might also want to leave too. This is also not for people with no sense of humor or with little recognition of wit and sarcasm. Since I have taken the precaution to caution the cautious, I thereby have no responsibility over your actions of anger and hate after reading this post. For those of you who dared stay, please feel free to kick back, grab some popcorn, and enjoy a laugh while exercising your ability to think rationally, after all it's only a satire.
First of all, I’m quite an unconventional thinker, what people call life I call a casino, where there are winners and losers, gambling to survive where every decision made could be the last. What people call a kitchen I call a chemistry lab, where cooks become scientists, mixing, boiling and cooking up substances that satisfies the stomach and energizes the rest of the body. And when people say God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit, I say God the Pimp. Think about it for a sec. Do you know how many people are currently in a personal relationship with this same man? The other day I was browsing facebook, when I stumbled upon this one lady’s page. On her info, the relationship status read: In a relationship with Jesus Christ. If only she knew that she wasn’t the only one in his life. In fact, He has been cheating on her with many others whom just like her, are in a personal relationship with Him. Now if it were any other guy, the girl would have been heartbroken knowing that she was only one of many, but this Jesus pimping is on a whole ‘nother level. But you know what? I think Jesus got his pimping from his dad, Baba God, just look at the story of Mary aka Iya Jesu: Baba God sent an angel to tell Mary that Baba God wan give am belle. Mary co-operated and that’s how she became Iya Jesu. Now let’s analyze this properly, first of all, God sent an angel to spit game for him. I mean, you wan try levelz? That's equivalent to a man sending his houseboy to go and get a lady in his bedroom. You have to be seriously pimping for that event to occur. Second of all, God did this knowing Mary was already engaged to Joseph. God made Mary CHEAT ON JOSEPH!!! And some of you may be in denial and say, "Well God really didn't have sex with Mary," and I'd have to reply, "how naive are you?" Keep in mind that all throughout the Bible, God was referred to as "He." The only time the word "He" is mentioned is to describe a male specie, or something with a penis. So that actually makes God, a sexual being, and with that as a given we can conclude He had sex with Mary to create Jesus (and might I add, it was also pre-marital sex because God never married Mary). The funny thing is, I'm not the only one who thinks God had sex with Mary, as a matter of fact, this is a common Mormon belief. A little sideshow though; let's look at the story from Mary's perspective. Imagine how flattered this woman would have been. I'm sure she felt like the baddest bitch in town, I can just imagine her friends talking about the boys that have crushes on them, and then Mary killing their conversation with a line like this, "You think you are all that because those small boys want you, let me tell you who is on my jock, Baba God!!" In fact, Mary probably goes down in history as the woman with the best vagina in history, because to have a coochie that is so good that God wants it, it must be the greatest vagina humankind has ever produced. Anyways, back to the topic at hand, if you look at the evidence of God's pimpingship, you don't have to look any further than convents, cloisters, or monasteries where nuns stay. Every single nun you would find there, believes they're married to Jesus (and that's why they don't have sex or marry anyone else). Isn't that remarkable? One man marrying millions of women. With that status, I would have to say forget D'banj, Jesus is the original koko master.
But there is a twist to his pimping, he gets men too. Not all those who claim to be in a personal relationship with Jesus are females, infact most of them are males. Even in the Bible, he always had 12 disciples (or as Pat Condell put it "12 boyfriends") follow him everywhere and where the closest to Him. At the hour of Jesus's capture, one of the 12, kissed him to identify him to the soldiers. Made me think for a sec. There were many other ways of identifying Jesus amidst the little crowd he was in, Judas could have pointed him out, dragged him out, or simply called him out, but he decided to do the most intimate action between a couple (so sacredly intimate that most hookers dread doing this deed, but are more willing to do everything else), he kissed Him. Hmm, makes me really wonder if there is a double meaning to Jesus's quote, "I will make you fishers of men." Anyways, enough of my blasphemy, I just pissed off 2.5 billion people and I think I should pretty much call it a day. And if you're one of the people I pissed off, remember I already warned you. So don't blame me, blame it on the goose got you feeling loose.......