The Gospel Music According to Naija

In my workplace, I work with typical Nigerians, and typical Nigerians tend to be typically religious (typically Christian though), and typically religious Nigerians tend to play typical Naija gospel music in their stores. And that's what I'm blogging about today: Naija gospel music. I was listening to one of the songs played at work, and it went something like this:

Do you know why I believe in Jesus?
Do you know why He's so great?
On the third day, He rose from the dead
I've never seen a man who rose from the dead like Jesus Christ

Instantly, my brain nerves cells were sparking with electricity. Did she just say she has "never seen a man who rose from the dead like Jesus Christ?" Think about it, she hasn't even seen Jesus talkless of making the claim that she hasn't seen any man rise from the dead like the man she has never seen before. So I joked about this to my co-employee(who is a Christian and also owns the music), and his reply was a little shocking. This guy said that it doesn't have to make logical sense, and that gospel music is about faith not reasoning. I responded, "But don't you think she's lying, she's making a claim that isn't true, she seems to be glorifying Satan rather than Jesus? Unless Jesus appreciates liars." He laughed and "Said you just don't understand." Well, that's why I'm going to have to ask you peeps of blogsville to help me out on this one. Anyways sha, another song that caught my attention is: "I have decided to follow Jesus." After Jesus hears this, what would Jesus do? Personally, if I were Jesus, I'd open a twitter account. Afterall, people are already deciding to follow him. On His Bio, He can put, "I will make you fishers of men if you follow me," I'm sure all those single babes who are desperate for husband would click on that follow button immediately they see that Bio. But on a more serious note, Naija gospel music lacks so much originality it's comical. It's like 5,000 artist singing the same songs. You buy a Naija gospel album just to find out all the songs in that album are also in another one by a different artist. The same goes for their music videos. I swear if you take cut off the sound and only show me the video, I can still tell if it's a Naija gospel video. The settings are always the same; one setting with the artist singing alone in his/her house compound, village, behind a power-point wall or studio, another setting with other people singing the chorus for the artist, and of course, a setting with little kids dancing. Those three settings are what almost all typical Naija gospel consists of. Hype Williams needs to start producing their videos. Can I get an Amen? However, every generalization has it's exceptions, even in Naija gospel there are guys like Sammy Okposo who seems to be gifted in writing his original songs instead of singing songs that everybody else sings.

Maybe the logic in all the videos having the same elements is that they want something different from what the world does. Maybe, I really don't know. But then I discovered this Naija artist who praises God with reggae music. So obviously, there is a contradiction. But anyways, this guy is so horrible that he was the main reason I even decided to write this blog. If you think I'm lying check him out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q59L4HcGXoE

I know they say God is more concerned with the music from the heart rather than the instruments and voice, but they also say God don't like Ugly. Which really is how you describe some gospel songs like the one I posted a link to above. This is what Naija gospel is now? Naija Gospel needs a typical MFM deliverance session. Well maybe like my co-employee said, "gospel music is about faith not reasoning," maybe that explains all. Because gospel music like the one I linked you guys to is reasonably wack. Anyways my people, The Messiah has spoken.

Quick note: One of our brilliant contributors, El Divine, has his own independent blogspot, and y'all should check it out; http://ak-lifelessons.blogspot.com/

MY DATE WITH JESUS-BOY

Firstly, I want to say a big congrats to Azazel for all the nonsense drama he has been causing on blogsville…I taught you well lil hommie. Lol.

Ok, so yall know that I have been the least controversial on this blog thus far. This isn’t because I’ve had nothing to say about my religious beliefs or lack thereof, but because I have never perceived it to be that important a topic to blog about….until now.

Shortly after graduation, I decided to go “thank God” for his mercies and all that good stuff. This was the first time I set foot in church in about a year and I must admit, besides the unnecessary ranting from a guest pastor, it was refreshing. Throughout the church service, I had weird ass thoughts…literally. I either caught myself staring at people’s asses or fantasizing about the “drummer boy.” Something about him was so sexy…yes, I’m not a big fan of the dick, but I really wanted to sexually harass this one. Church service ended and I was more than happy to hop in my car and spark my last cigarette.

A week later, one of the “aunties” from church called me and our conversation went a lil something like this:

Aunty: Hello Afrikim

Me: Good afternoon ma, sorry I didn’t come to church (I saved both of us the bullshit), I’m in San Diego

Aunty: Oh it’s ok darling, God is good…anyways, one of the guys here was asking about you, so I told him I’d tell you first. Is it ok to give him your number?

Me: (with the widest fucking grin on my face) Yes ma…is it the drummer boy?

Aunty: haha…yes, his name is Uzo

Me: ok ma

I was so excited I started to paint pictures in my sinful head. Three hours later, he called and we had a lil chat. He asked if we could meet somewhere and we fixed a date for the following Thursday. I woke up super early on Thursday and picked out something that wasn’t too “desperate” looking because I knew how these church people could get sometimes. I wore my “light up Nigeria” t-shirt, a pair of jeans and flip flops. Uzo (the drummer boy) called a few hours before our date and asked if we could meet at starbucks instead, so I agreed. 5pm...and I was there, I sprayed half a bottle of perfume on my shirt trying to mask the smell of the blunt I had just hit on my way there, cos afterall, na high pessin go high to converse with Jesus boy….I didn’t know what the fuck to expect.

As he got out of his car, I smiled cos the guy was highly delicious looking…I mean, God must have really rewarded him for playing those drums, cos dayyuuummm! Anyway, we gave each other the “Christian hug” and walked in starbucks. For some strange reason, we both had matching outfits on and I was soo ready for a second date, u know…the one where we possibly would get to  rip those outfits off..lol.

Thirty minutes into the conversation and we had exchanged extensive information and shared some really good laughs. I then was certain he had the biggest crush on me. Everything was going well, until somehow, I managed to slide the topic of sex into our conversation and drummer boy looked me in my contact lens beautified eyes and said “I am celibate…” EJO! ABEG! BIKO! Ex-fucking-cuse me! You said who? Celi?....hmmnn…this boy did not just make me waste 20bucks on gas, half my perfume bottle and heavy ass make up to tell me he was not fucking till he got married! WUSA! Na to rape am be dat. “So, what did you want to see me about?” I had to ask, cos I was lost o.

He adjusted his seat and moved closer to me, my heart was racing and I could feel some kind of horniness coming on…I mean, I knew I would have to fight this celibacy off, but I didn’t know it would be this easy…I was pleased. He held my hands and stared into my eyes, then he said “I wanted to talk to you because I think you are a really attractive, intelligent and strong woman”…I thought to myself “duh! But go on”…he then continued “well, I am currently in covenant, and I am training to be a pastor.” At this point, my sexy thoughts started to morph into something you would otherwise see on Americas most wanted…but hey, let’s see where this leads. “I want you to come back to church, where you belong”…….

I’d love to tell yall about the rest of my date, but I think I blacked out, I must have recited 10 cuss words in 500 languages in my head and at this point all I could think of was “did this Jesus boy just make me drive 30miles in traffic to preach to me?”…after this whole yadiyadiya, I started to hear him comment about my shirt being tight and how people would attribute my dressing to irresponsibility and how I deserve more than I get right now, and the only solution would be to get closer to God…

I took the rambling for another 5minutes, didn’t even thank him for the coffee and told him I had to leave. When he asked why I was in such a hurry, all I could say was “I just remembered that I have half a blunt sitting in the car, and right now, that shit will come in handy…God bless.”

IF GOD = WHITE SLAVE OWNER, FREDRICK DOUGLAS = ADAM & EVE

A few days back I came across a status on facebook which criticised Adam and Eve for eating from the tree of knowledge of good and evil in the Garden of Eden. One of the commenters said something about "If Adam and Eve had not done what they did we would still be in the garden of Eden chopping good fruit and better vegetable". At first the comment was funny to me, but afterwhile I started to analyse that comment. 


Many of us have made or even heard jokes/insults that castigated Adam and Eve for eating from that tree, because according to the bible the world was perfect before they ate from that tree abi? But if we look at it from another perspective, we find that Adam and Eve at the end of the day chose knowledge over ignorance. When before they were ignorant and living a blissful life, they let their curiosity and thirst for knowledge lead them to eat from the tree of knowledge of good and evil. Now when people castigate them for eating from that tree, are those people not in essence supporting IGNORANCE in every shape and form? Let me break this down for the people who might not understand this post.


Before FRUIT CHOPPING, ADAM AND EVE = IGNORANT


AFTER FRUIT CHOPPING, ADAM AND EVE = KNOWLEDGEABLE


Now why would anybody feel that Adam and Eve did us wrong, when infact they should be seen as role models and viewed as Heroes? They sought knowledge when they had no reason to, they were leaving a perfect lifestyle but they were ignorant, they let their curiosity lead them to knowledge that was forbidden to them by their creator. If we view Adam and Eve as Villains for seeking knowledge, why then do we send our children to school to get an education and be knowledgeable? Afterall one might say if you abhor the actions of Adam and Eve, you should practice what you preach and let your children or even yourself wallow in ignorance. 


For example, lets say Adam and Eve represent Fredrick Douglas and God represents the White Man. 
During the slavery era, slaves were forbidden to read or write or get an education, disobedience with that command could get you killed. Fredrick Douglas a black slave knowing the consequences of getting an education took the risk and educated himself, he sought knowledge because at the end of the day knowledge is power. Ignorance is bliss but ignorance also makes you weak as a terminally ill patient. Lets not forget, the almighty did not throw us out of the Garden of Eden because we ate from the Tree, he threw us out because he did not want us eating from the second tree which was the  tree of Life which again would have made us immortal and put us on the pedestal of the Gods. By eating from the first tree, Adam and Eve had become like God knowing good and evil, by seeking education/knowledge Fredrick Douglas had become like his white master by knowing the same things his White Master had forbidden him from knowing. The only difference in my opinion between the White Slaveowner and God is that God had one level of knowledge that he stopped us from attaining and that was the second Tree which was the "Tree of Life". 


In conclusion, Adam and Eve should be seen and viewed as role models not castigated by pastors/comedians etc as Villains. They were ignorant and living in the most blissful world one can ever find, yet they did not let the blissful nature of their surroundings stop them from seeking knowledge. 

Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.

People always say I love someone so much that I can die for them. Ummm No. Personally i no fit do am. Can not happen. To lay down your life for another, your life must be majorly sucking at that moment. What kind of self esteem problem is that? Your life is not what living, but some other individual's life is more important? Just tell the truth, you have been looking for a way to die, and you chose the "honorable" way. Why should I push someone out of the way of a car, and I stand there like a mugu as the car hits me? If I cant save you and save myself, then I will be alongside Azazel eating rice at your funeral, screaming "why God, why, why him/her?"

Life should be cherished, loved, not thrown away like a used rag. So if God has deemed that it is your time to go, who am I to fight his divine will? I am nothing but a mere mortal. Death is coming for someone and I then open my big mouth to say "not him/her", "pick me", because my existence as it is now is not worth anything, If you dont take me now, na suicide go happen. Love each other as you love yourself, If i dont love myself enough to not throw it away, Imaging what i can do with my neighbor's life. Suicide is suicide, lets call it what it is, it is not love it is suicide.

Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends. More like "Lower self esteem hath no man than this, that a man throw his life away for his friend".

Wetin una think?

IF THE TRUTH HURTS PEOPLE'S FEELINGS, SHOULD YOU STILL SAY IT??

Before I begin, yours truly was nominated for Best Moniker and Most Controversial Blogger at the Nigerian Blog Awards. Voting is open now and you can cast your vote here at the Nigerian Blog Awards.

So I was looking for something to blog about today and I got to thinking about a conversation I and a buddy of mine yesterday had about people who speak the truth without caring what you think. And how such people are refreshing, even though what they say sometimes might be borderline scandalous. 

There is this guy called Lexx Ore on facebook, and before I go on. This post is not meant to insult, demean or complain about Lexx. I am just using him as an example of the title of this post.

Lexx is famous for status updates like this:

1) "Why d freak is this random guy in my hotel suite in a towel brushing his teeth on some "I just used ur toilet so stay away from d bathroom for a lil bit" but thx for letting me use ur toilet"....wtf is this??? How did this pig hole get in my room??? Negro, wrong room and I don't know you..and d smell!!!!...OMGGGG #never-leave-ur-room-door-open"

2)  :Nigerian Girls with 'bad' hair is all I see at d picnic..this one chick's perm was so bad it looked like a cleaning mop and smelt like it too....no more hugging random chicks...food came 5hrs after scheduled time and why are they serving burgers at a Nigerian reunion?? Smh #noSuya..wtf 

3)  *ladies* walking around the hotel lobby with ur torn bra, ashy elbows, early morning donkey sex breath, and dirty boxers on some "I'm just being casual" is not a good look....try again morasucka...u r just Nasty and slavery is still in ur blood...(2010 nyc Nigerian reunion

Now this is just a taste of the status updates Lexx puts up on his page. Now sometimes the status updates are funny to me, sometimes they stun me with the level of their 'meanness'. But then I got to thinking especially after I had had a talk with the friend of mine about people like Lexx who say stuff that most people in their right minds would not dare do. One could say that Lexx does it for attention, but I believe sincerely that the dude frankly does not give a sh*t. The question then is seeing as I believe that Lexx usually speaks the truth in his statuses, how then does one reconcile the fact that some of the things he says are downright hurtful and meanspirited?

Now back to the title of this blogpost which says 'IF THE TRUTH HURTS PEOPLE'S FEELINGS, SHOULD YOU STILL SAY IT"?? 

I personally believe that one should still say it even if the truth damaged people's self respect/dignity. "The truth shall set you free but first it will make you miserable" is a favorable quote of mine. 

People like Lexx who speak truth that might indeed be hurtful/mean-spirited are still speaking the truth. 

In conclusion, my opinion on the matter is this, if the truth be hurtful SAY IT. If the truth be blasphemous, SAY IT. If the truth be scandalous, SAY IT. And keep on saying it until somebody decides they've had enough and decides to send you to your maker. And then we will all come and chop enough rice at your funeral and jolly. 

OK funny thing happened the other day and I am going to share it. A friend of mine had two aunties of hers who died in a car accident while on their way to a funeral. On the way to the funeral, they got into an auto accident and the two of them died.

When my friend told me about it, first thing that came to my mind was "Wow so they were on their way to eat rice at somebody else's funeral, and they died. Now somebody else will eat rice at their own funeral". - The Irony of Life/Death. I and my friend sha shared a good laugh lol, cracked me up big time. Some of you will say we have no respect for the dead, me personally i believe that the Dead deserve the truth, while the living deserve my respect. So I am not particularly big on respecting dead people. 

#Azazelistalking