MY DATE WITH JESUS-BOY

Firstly, I want to say a big congrats to Azazel for all the nonsense drama he has been causing on blogsville…I taught you well lil hommie. Lol.

Ok, so yall know that I have been the least controversial on this blog thus far. This isn’t because I’ve had nothing to say about my religious beliefs or lack thereof, but because I have never perceived it to be that important a topic to blog about….until now.

Shortly after graduation, I decided to go “thank God” for his mercies and all that good stuff. This was the first time I set foot in church in about a year and I must admit, besides the unnecessary ranting from a guest pastor, it was refreshing. Throughout the church service, I had weird ass thoughts…literally. I either caught myself staring at people’s asses or fantasizing about the “drummer boy.” Something about him was so sexy…yes, I’m not a big fan of the dick, but I really wanted to sexually harass this one. Church service ended and I was more than happy to hop in my car and spark my last cigarette.

A week later, one of the “aunties” from church called me and our conversation went a lil something like this:

Aunty: Hello Afrikim

Me: Good afternoon ma, sorry I didn’t come to church (I saved both of us the bullshit), I’m in San Diego

Aunty: Oh it’s ok darling, God is good…anyways, one of the guys here was asking about you, so I told him I’d tell you first. Is it ok to give him your number?

Me: (with the widest fucking grin on my face) Yes ma…is it the drummer boy?

Aunty: haha…yes, his name is Uzo

Me: ok ma

I was so excited I started to paint pictures in my sinful head. Three hours later, he called and we had a lil chat. He asked if we could meet somewhere and we fixed a date for the following Thursday. I woke up super early on Thursday and picked out something that wasn’t too “desperate” looking because I knew how these church people could get sometimes. I wore my “light up Nigeria” t-shirt, a pair of jeans and flip flops. Uzo (the drummer boy) called a few hours before our date and asked if we could meet at starbucks instead, so I agreed. 5pm...and I was there, I sprayed half a bottle of perfume on my shirt trying to mask the smell of the blunt I had just hit on my way there, cos afterall, na high pessin go high to converse with Jesus boy….I didn’t know what the fuck to expect.

As he got out of his car, I smiled cos the guy was highly delicious looking…I mean, God must have really rewarded him for playing those drums, cos dayyuuummm! Anyway, we gave each other the “Christian hug” and walked in starbucks. For some strange reason, we both had matching outfits on and I was soo ready for a second date, u know…the one where we possibly would get to  rip those outfits off..lol.

Thirty minutes into the conversation and we had exchanged extensive information and shared some really good laughs. I then was certain he had the biggest crush on me. Everything was going well, until somehow, I managed to slide the topic of sex into our conversation and drummer boy looked me in my contact lens beautified eyes and said “I am celibate…” EJO! ABEG! BIKO! Ex-fucking-cuse me! You said who? Celi?....hmmnn…this boy did not just make me waste 20bucks on gas, half my perfume bottle and heavy ass make up to tell me he was not fucking till he got married! WUSA! Na to rape am be dat. “So, what did you want to see me about?” I had to ask, cos I was lost o.

He adjusted his seat and moved closer to me, my heart was racing and I could feel some kind of horniness coming on…I mean, I knew I would have to fight this celibacy off, but I didn’t know it would be this easy…I was pleased. He held my hands and stared into my eyes, then he said “I wanted to talk to you because I think you are a really attractive, intelligent and strong woman”…I thought to myself “duh! But go on”…he then continued “well, I am currently in covenant, and I am training to be a pastor.” At this point, my sexy thoughts started to morph into something you would otherwise see on Americas most wanted…but hey, let’s see where this leads. “I want you to come back to church, where you belong”…….

I’d love to tell yall about the rest of my date, but I think I blacked out, I must have recited 10 cuss words in 500 languages in my head and at this point all I could think of was “did this Jesus boy just make me drive 30miles in traffic to preach to me?”…after this whole yadiyadiya, I started to hear him comment about my shirt being tight and how people would attribute my dressing to irresponsibility and how I deserve more than I get right now, and the only solution would be to get closer to God…

I took the rambling for another 5minutes, didn’t even thank him for the coffee and told him I had to leave. When he asked why I was in such a hurry, all I could say was “I just remembered that I have half a blunt sitting in the car, and right now, that shit will come in handy…God bless.”