SPITTING PASTORAL GAME: A PLAY!

Edit - Your boy Azazel is up for two awards again on the 'Nigerian Blog Awards". I was nominated for "Best Moniker" and "Most Controversial Blogger". Voting begins on July 5th, so get ready to do some serious voting. Now back to the blogpost.


Pastors, pastors, pastors. To be a pastor isn't easy; one must put forth a consistent performance every week keeping the congregation tuned in. One must be smart, articulate and knowledgeable (at least have knowledge of the Bible), and a little manipulative. Those successful in this art become highly influential, famous and rich. Examples aren't hard to find: T.D Jakes, Joel Osteen, Chris Oyakhilome, etc. These men of God become little gods themselves, having a rockstar type life- except for the ladies, drugs and booze. But lately I've been thinking, a man of position is capable of being a big time pimp. Remember the prerequisites I stated earlier? Articulate and a little manipulative. Now, imagine if the pastor uses those skills to pull females. Think about how lethally magnetizing this pastor would be. Also lately, I've been in my Hollywood-state-of-mind, so I decided to write a fictional play-like piece for you to visualize my point:

After a faithfully Tuesday, the pastor approaches one of his church members who is in the library and draws her to a private corner. She's a pretty 5'5 even toned skin, nice volumptous breasts, well sufficient backed 22 year old babe. He has been scoping this babe for a while, knows she was going to be in the library and now is his perfect opportunity to harvest what God has sown for him. As he pulls her to a corner, he quickly looks around to make sure no one is near and then he proceeds:

PASTOR: (clears throat) Halleluyarr sister, I want to preach to you directly. You see the Lord has placed you here with me for a reason. He wants me to convey a message for you and you alone. Amen?
GIRL: Amen.
PASTOR: See the Lord has shaped you to be a beautiful woman, the book of Song of Songs Chapter 4, verse 1 says; 'How beautiful you are, my darling! Oh how beautiful......'
GIRL: (smiles almost out of control with the amount of flattery she is receiving).
PASTOR:(continues)....Then later on in that same chapter in verse 5, it says, "Your two breasts are like two fawns, like twin fawns of a gazelle that browse among the lilies.' Hallelujarr!! God wants you to know that He shaped those very breasts and molded that beautiful face just to glorify His name. Look at your breasts and say 'My breasts will glorify Your name oh Lord.'
GIRL: (looks at her breasts) My breasts will glorify Your name oh Lord.
PASTOR: The Lord also wants me to tell you about the parable of the talents in Matthews, chapter 25, verses 14-30. (pulls out his pocket Bible) I shall read:
'For it is like a man going on a journey, who summoned his slaves and entrusted his property to them. To one he gave five talents, to another two, and to another one, each according to his ability. Then he went on his journey. The one who had received five talents went off right away and put his money to work and gained five more. In the same way, the one who had two gained two more. But the one who had received one talent went out and dug a hole in the ground and hid his master’s money in it. After a long time, the master of those slaves came and settled his accounts with them. The one who had received the five talents came and brought five more, saying, ‘Sir, you entrusted me with five talents. See, I have gained five more.’ His master answered, ‘Well done, good and faithful slave! You have been faithful in a few things. I will put you in charge of many things. Enter into the joy of your master.’ The one with the two talents also came and said, ‘Sir, you entrusted two talents to me. See, I have gained two more.’ His master answered, ‘Well done, good and faithful slave! You have been faithful with a few things. I will put you in charge of many things. Enter into the joy of your master.’ Then the one who had received the one talent came and said, ‘Sir, I knew that you were a hard man, harvesting where you did not sow, and gathering where you did not scatter seed, so I was afraid, and I went and hid your talent in the ground. See, you have what is yours.’ But his master answered, ‘Evil and lazy slave! So you knew that I harvest where I didn’t sow and gather where I didn’t scatter? Then you should have deposited my money with the bankers, and on my return I would have received my money back with interest! Therefore take the talent from him and give it to the one who has ten. For the one who has will be given more, and he will have more than enough. But the one who does not have, even what he has will be taken from him.' Amen?
GIRL: (attentively listening) Amen.
PASTOR: The moral of the story is for us not to waste our talents and gifts. They are not decorations, they're not trophies. They are tools for us to utilize and glorify with. Now looking at you, I can see the Lord has given you many gifts. You have being blessed with a beautiful face and a feminine body. What have you done to utilize these gifts?
GIRL: (with a thinking look on her face and then looks to the heavens) Well, Thank you God for the gifts you've given me.
PASTOR: (unsatisfied look on his face) Well that is a good first step, but sister God is going to require more from you than just a flamesy 'thank you God.' Thanking God wasn't how the slave with five talents got ten, the Bible says he 'put his money to work and gained five more.' Sister you have to put your gifts to work in order to receive more gifts.
GIRL: So how do I put it to work pastor?
PASTOR: The question isn't how, it's where. The Lord our God has told me that He needs me to take you into the House of God immediately to show you how.
GIRL: So you want me to follow to church.
PASTOR: No sister, it's Tuesday our church doors are closed. But, because I am a Man of God, my body is the body of Christ, my lips are the lips of God, my heart is the heart of God, my mind is the mind of God, so therefore my house is The House of God. Amen?
GIRL: (feeling a little reluctant now) Amen.
PASTOR: (Senses the reluctance) Are you ashamed of something? The Bible says "If anyone is ashamed of me and my message, the Son of Man will be ashamed of that person when he returns in his glory." (rhetorically asks) So do you want the Lord to be ashamed of you when He returns? Then let's go before the Lord takes away your talent and gives it to someone who utilizes it like He did in Matthew 25:28-29.
THEY BOTH LEAVE.

SCENE TWO (PASTOR'S HOUSE)
GIRL: Ok so we are here, how does God want me to glorify Him?
PASTOR: The Bible says "There are many rooms in my Father's house." Allow me to show you the room He has prepared for you sister. (gently holds her hand and guides her to the master bedroom).
PASTOR: (still holding her hand, and now has his eyes closed shut) Halleluyarr, I hear God speaking to me now. He wants us to be naked infront of Him like Adam and Eve.
GIRL: (slightly angered) WHAT?
PASTOR: You are on holy ground, do not question your Lord thy God. Do so or face God's wrath for the disobedient.
GIRL: I don't feel comfortable with this.
PASTOR: You don't feel comfortable with what?
GIRL: Being naked around you.
PASTOR: Not to worry my darling, I'm not just any ordinary boy. I am a Man of God, therefore these eyes are the eyes of God. And being naked before the Lord is way of showing our innocence. Trust me, the Lord is on our side.
GIRL: (reluctantly undresses) Ok
PASTOR: (Opens eyes and is amazed at what he sees) Jesus is Lord!
GIRL: Now what?
PASTOR: Let's pray and find out.
GIRL: (closes her eyes).
PASTOR: Father Lord, you have spoken to me for a reason, you have placed us both at the same location for a reason, you have given me specific scriptural passages for a reason and have led us here in your house for a reason Oh Lord. Tell us how you want this beautiful girl to glorify your name oh Lord, in Jesus' name.
GIRL: Amen.
(pause)
PASTOR: Lord Jesus! What you ask of me I cannot do!
GIRL: (curiously perplexed) What is it?
PASTOR: The Lord wants us to make love in this holy site.
GIRL: What?!
PASTOR: Do not be alarmed my dear, for the Lord sometimes requests for things of this manner. The Lord told Abraham to kill his only son, and Abraham attempted to and when the Lord saw his heart he stopped Abraham and blessed him infinitely. In times like this one must be very obedient.
GIRL: This is crazy.
PASTOR: The Lord works in mysterious ways sister. Now please let us proceed before the Lord angers
GIRL: (reluctanly gets in bed and positions herself)
PASTOR: (happily follows).
(Curtain closes)

THE END

Any party depicted in this fictional work is absolutely co-incidental. Therefore this is only fictional satire, so laugh and/or think. Peace.

IMAGINE IF NIGERIAN PASTOR'S KIDS WHERE GAY?

                  

Nobody should vex over the picture o, I thought it was funny so I thought I would share.
So..........
I was just thinking about this yesterday, but seriously can you imagine if one of the children of Nigerian Pastors like Adeboye of Redeemed, Chris Okotie, Oyedepo of Canaanland etc turned out to be gay? Lmao, water go get enemy that day. I can seriously envision them pastors holding deliverance sessions to deliver their children from the demon of homosexuality. Moreover, if the deliverance no work, then they will pata pata kill the child and send the child to his/her maker, because those pastors would rather salvage their reputation than to have one of their kids be homosexual. What do you guys think? I swear, if God had a sense of humor he would strike one of their children gay just to see what they would do. Lol my God is a comedian, playin too an audience to afraid to laugh.
For those of you living in yankee, do you remember the story of the evangelist in Yankee who was discovered with a gay male prostitute in bed? Mind you, this is the same hypocritical evangelist who had railed against homosexuals from his pulpit daily. Anywayz, when they found out his own ass was gay to, they kicked him out and now he lives in an apartment with his family. From Grace to serious Grass.


I finally watched 2012 and I watched New Moon on the same day, New Moon wasn't all that, but 2012 was off tha chain. Human Compassion again is a joke, it was @ the last minute that all of them suddenly developed a conscience and decided to take those people on board? After they had let all the other people on earth die, their consciences finally kicked into action. Double Hiss...Mind you, more than half of the people on board where people who had paid a billion euros to be able to live after everyone had died. Those people did not deserve any compassion whatsoever, but anywayz the movie sha was great. As i said, I thank God that they waited until I graduated in 2012 before the world would end. U never know, having a bachelor's degree might make the difference in whether I am a choir member in the heavenly choir or whether I am one of the boys who cleans drums in heaven. So for those of you who have not gotten your degree, go and get it now. Taynement sent me this link of an atheist guy who gets paid $5 by people, to go and comfort/preach to their relatives and friends about Jesus after rapture has taken the christians away. You know how christians preach to friends and family and they don't listen until it is to late, this guy is then paid to go tell those family members, "I told you so" on behalf of their ascended christian friends and relatives. Pretty cool huh? Well seeing as I myself will be staying here after rapture, you guys can contact me to be your contact for relatives and friends who might be left behind. :)


Guys I have a problem, I SUCK @ comforting people. Like I seriously suck, I am so infatuated with truth that I take it as far as possible. Lets say the father of a good friend of mine died, count on me to not be the person who would lie and say "Oh your dad is in a better place, or he is in heaven". I will be the person saying "Idk where your papa went to o, all I know is that he is dead and that is the end of the matter"And you know I am the type of person who thinks twice before puttin "God" in any statement of mine. Like today on facebook, one of my friends said God spoke to her on her status and revealed something to her. And me, being the pessimist that I am, I wanted to know if our almighty had a baritone voice or a high tenor voice, but then she disappointed me by telling me that God spoke to her through people. And the funny thing is, when people say they heard a voice in their head and it was God who spoke to them concerning a matter, how do they know that it is God speaking to them? I mean it could very well be the devil himself speaking to you, how does one know without a shadow of a doubt that it is God speaking to them? *Btw, wat in God's name is a "shadow" of a doubt? Why would "doubt" have a shadow? Sigh, the people that come up with these sayings self, need Jesus in their lives.*


Now to a more personal matter, I am definitely one of those people who tends to not "send" people. If you threaten to live my life, I will show you the door myself. Given the nature of my character and personality I happen to say or do stuff that makes my friends question the kind of person I am. And I don't blame them, sometimes I forgive people who say hurtful stuff to me based on my opinions or joke, it comes with the territory. Lotsa people want to hurt me, that is the price I pay for being a loud mouth. So I do not feel pity for myself, neither do I blame people who can't take the kind of person I am and decide to walk out of my life. it is better to be hated for who you are, than to be loved for what you are not. That is my motto in life, and I stick to it. I have very good real friends, and sometimes I might do something that'll make them threaten to cut off our friendship, and I always find it funny when people do that. Like for example, one of my friends who might prolly read this, texted me the other day and said "Our friendship is over", me to I texted back "Ok". What I should have texted is, "Ok, and so what? Wetin come happen? I should go and die now because our friendship is over? My point is this, if people you call your close friends do not know the type of person you are and act surprised when you do/say something crazy, then please do not bother trying to hold unto them. If they do not know you by now, they will never know you.


I think I am suppose to end this post on a lighter note, and I will leave you guys with a quote my friend Rebecca told me. "There are a lot of fake people in this life and when you find somebody that is real and not fake, hold unto them as strong as you can and never let them go".

IF YOU ATTEND AFRICAN/NIGERIAN CHURCHES YOUR CHANCES OF MAKING HEAVEN ARE VERY SLIM!!

In my humble opinion, if you frequent Nigerian/African churches on a regularly basis, your chances of ever entering heaven talk less of "smelling" those pearly gates are very slim. Honestly most of you who attend Nigerian/African churches know what I am saying is true. How many instances has church been dismissed, and immediately people step outside the church door. The gossipping starts, this person talks about the pastor, the other person talks about the pastor's wife, another person talks about the new car Pastor has started driving. When done gossipping about the pastor, most members start gosspping about other members. "OMG, did you see how short  Sister Nneka's skirt was today? And she sings in the choir o, why is she shaking her booty for the pastor to see?" "Did you know I saw Brother Ola at the club yesterday acting a fool, he was grinding and grooving with this prostitute or that prostitute".

And with that same mentality, those same members will thank their God and head to their homes. I have witnessed this same thing time and time again, we africans are notorious for being "gossipers of the highest degree". We will gossip about anything, and am sorry to say most of the gossipping take place in our churches. If you honestly disagree with me, visit any Nigerian/African church and you will see what I am talking about. Pastors to are not even exempt from the gossipping, na their own worse pass. And please can somebody tell me why in most Nigerian Churches you go to, the church must always have an offering for "Building Fund"? They might have a huge ass building for the church, but they'll still want to build a bigger one? Na wa o.

Anywayz I will leave you all with this movie, about the arizona preacher praying for Barack Obama to die.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pIW27p4BI_g


BY CONTROVERSY!!