Azazel - The Sad Clown

THIS IS GOING TO BE A RANT...... AND I AM GOING TO RAMBLE MY ASS OFF.BEAR WITH ME.

Lol guys I am sad and I know what's making me sad but I still can't share it. I use to have this friend who I could call up and share why I was sad but she's in Nigeria now and she has not yet come back to yankee. I have just been thinking about my life mehn, and it just saddened me when I realised that I have a lot of friends and people that I am close to who share their life/secrets with me, but if you ask them shit about me they probably don't know a single thing. I thought about calling my momsy to talk to her about my life and what's making me sad but I know she'll say something like 'Azazel why won't you be sad? When you don't have God/Jesus in your life, what do you expect' and I know that immediately she says that I'll tune off and just go cold. Why can't a mother and son just have a simple deep conversation where a mother listens to her son and hears him out without passing judgement or bringing religion into it? Is that somuch to ask? Like forreal though, why must my happiness be attached to 'being a christian'? Aren't there 'sad christians' out there, like the fallacy of her arguments just slay me everytime. I yearn for the day I and my momsy will have such a cool conversation. Imagine the kind of relationship where everytime momsy calls me I immediately get alert and I watch every single word that comes out from my mouth because I know she's probing and she to is also on high alert trying to read into everything I say. I lie to my momsy like shit, I swear lies just come naturally to me when am talking to her and I think she knows it to. But what does she expect? Telling the truth to her is like Torture. Two of us acting like frigging 'James Bond Spies', am simply just tired of having such conversations and this days self I just ignore her calls because me no get strength anymore. There are just some people that when they call your fone, you have to answer it and tell them you want to call them back, because if you are not mentally alert when they call, by the time that conversation has ended you will realise why you hate picking their calls. I and my momsy have never had a close relationship and it saddens me, as for my popsy mehn that's another story. I want to be able to share my troubles but I can't even share it with the girl am talking to because she's just ..........
I just want to talk to somebody I can trust, but honestly mehn I do not know anybody and I'll be honest the only reason I fully trust the girl who's in Nigeria right now is that I know enough ish about her that I could destroy her with and I also know that we are very good friends albeit good friends who can destroy each other lol.  I will be honest that is how I think about friendships and secrets, I always keep reminding myself that one should not reveal 'secrets' when one is sad/depressed because the friend you are talking to then might one day get angry at you, and na so dem go open your yansh for public.. Yes I am paranoid lol, very paranoid lmao and my paranoia has put me in deep shit. Nothing makes us so lonely as our secrets lol.  And some of you will judge me but damn, you don't know how many things people have told me that they were suppose to keep secret and then the people that are telling me the secret think they are impressing me because they are sharing 'gist' with me. He/She who gossip to you, will bring gossip about you, and I am fully aware of that hence why I find it hard to share stuff with people.  and I don't know why. I should probably change that mentality but I've always been like that ever since I was little. I would only share a lil part of myself if I knew enough about the other person to, and this mentality has followed me till this day. And I know you all aren't used to seeing me type like this but I am sinking right here lol, like big time. I still can't even share what's sinking me because some of the people/things sinking me frigging read this blog.
Anywayz:
I wanted to enter politics, as in when I looked into my future I one day wanted to become a politician but I've totally killed off that Idea. I just realised that I just do not have what it takes to be a politician, I use to be able to lie, cheat and be cunning but not anymore mehn. I have a tendency to speak 'truth' even when I know that the 'truth' am about to speak will make me enemies and will probably turn my friends against me. I can't live a politicians life and I already know that to be a successful politician one must choose his poison from these two options. One must either be a Hypocrite or one must be a Liar. I am not saying that I am not capable of being a Hypocrite or a liar but mehn, the way my own craze they work na something else. I can't tow a party line for shit, I like to go it my own way and I absolutely worship truth in any shape or form it comes and I don't care how brutal/disturbing it is I want it out there. Now I was reading Socrates and he basically said that a politician cannot possibly do what I want to do because such a politician would be assassinated a year into office and I know with all my heart that what he was saying is so true..
I remember when I was growing up as a kid, I lied to momsy about something and she said 'Always tell the truth and never lie again' but momsy lied to me though. It is not possible for anybody to go throughout life always telling the truth, that's a recipe for early death. See if I have kids I will tell them that lying is not good but that if they plan to tell the truth in every situation they come across then they should be prepared to die before the age of 30. I will let them know that Truly, to tell lies is not honorable; but when the truth entails tremendous ruin, To speak dishonorably is pardonable".
 And this might seem a little extreme to you all, but again I want you all to think about it again. Is it possible for a person to tell the 'Truth' in every situation/circumstance they find themselves in? Take for example the other day one of my female friends on FB asked me 'Azazel do I look like my celebrity look-alike' trust me as a sharp guy I told her that she looks 'finer' self, she knew I was lying right? But she wanted me to say what she expected to hear so you see even in small situations like that one tells 'little white lies'.

Lol as I was typing this, one of my female friends called me and I was just looking at the phone wondering whether to pick up or not. Because I know that she is going to say that I am a bad friend that I promised to call back and I did not call back and God knows I've promised like 4 people that I would call them back when all I do is forget to call. I use to be so good about calling people back, but mehn this days I just don't care. I remember when I was like 16 or 17 I used to love to make friends, like I wanted to know everybody in the whole frigging world. But look at me now? Every chance I get, I look for an oppurtunity to lose one more friend, because I don tire seriously,I am starting to feel like I can’t maintain the facade any longer, that I may just start to show through. Because am tired of smiling and shining teeth to people, when all I simply want to say is that 'I HATE YOU WITH A PASSION'. And I wish I knew what was wrong. Maybe something about how stupid my whole life is. I don’t know. Why does the rest of the world put up with the hypocrisy, the need to put a happy face on sorrow, the need to keep on keeping on?... I don’t know the answer, I know only that I can’t. I don't want any more vicissitudes, I don't want any more of this try, try again stuff. I just want out. I’ve had it. I am so tired. But then I think it was Miss O who use to say this one phrase to me that always made me laugh, because everytime she heard a sad story she would say something like 'you will be fine', at first that phrase use to annoy the heck out of me but it really still cracks me up. The way she just use to say it, made me think that she was 'cold' when in reality she's just being honest. Afterall this complaining I have sha done, life must still go on abi? Unless I am preparing to go jump off that cliff by my house then I should really stop complaining and just move on with life. Hiss look at me, talking like my own issues are that serious when there are children in Darfur/Congo being raped as I speak. Please, my blogsville peeps my apologies for wasting your time in having you read this nonsense, my problems are not significant and they definitely pale in comparison to other shit people are going through. Good luck and Good Night. 
When am sad lol, I listen to two songs from Sound of Music lol, I know it's crazy but they make me laugh. One is 'So long, Farewell' and the other one is 'Favorite Things'. Yall should youtube it or something.