DEAR JESUS

Having one of those days so I decided to write a long winded letter.



Dear Jesus,

How are you doing? I guess that's a ridiculous question because you are the embodiment of all that is good. Scratch that, make it a third of all that is good. Its a third if you consider your father and that ghost dude. They both participate equally in the trinity. Wonder what it feels like to always share.

I was going to say hope you are having a nice day but you exist out of time. How can anybody compliment you sef? How can an imperfect mind compliment the perfect? Besides, as omniscient master of the universe you can have anything you want and you know my thoughts before they manifest. I have an idea though [Jesus, insert favorite self-compliment here].

Speaking of knowing thoughts, I've always wondered, how do you handle prayers? Do you intercept it in the prefrontal cortex or do you wait for the person to actually say the words? Well, I know in the case of the dumb, you'll work with their thoughts. If you don't, "nothing for dem". Is that a privilege you afford them like handicap parking or do you treat all of us the same? If yes, what about the retarded?

Speaking of prayers, do you handle all earthly prayers in realtime? In parallel as they come? What about other sentient intelligent lifeforms in distant galaxies did you die for them? Do you handle their prayers too? I would imagine that since you know all prayers before they are prayed, you can just schedule your response to all prayers for every soul that would ever exist. You could do that way ahead of time. Thinking of it, you could have done that just prior to making Adam. Just a thought.

Baba, I was wondering. That time you came back around after those Roman soldiers had fucked you up with the cross and all. How did you do the ascension moves? Because you came in human form yet you "ascended into heaven". I was going to ask how you handled breathing when you got into space but then you probably weren't even breathing at all if you made it to the higher atmosphere with the low air pressure and stuff. Why did you even need to ascend? Why didn't you just slide into the spiritual dimension? Like Justin Timberlake usually does in his videos but this time from one dimension to another. What were all them space moves about? You of all people know that space does not lead to heaven. Na you make am. Abi it was just for our ignorant benefit? Since that's what we thought then? Nawao.

Well, I just have only one prayer. Abeg, can you sign off on your earthly moves? I'm having trouble differentiating your deeds from random fortunate events. That would really help. I know you know all, but let me suggest that You can use some equivalent of that "fresh" sticker we find on fruits or sometimes some girls put on their cleavage/boobs in the club. Let us know when to say "Thank God" and when to say "Lucky Me".

I have this very offensive thing I want to say to you but I don't want to give the blog readers cerebral atrophy so since you know the thought [insert it here]

You know I have too much to ask but I just joined L.A. (Lengthy Anonymous). I'm trying to cut down on the lengthy posts.

Anyways, Na me dey hail Oh. Your Atheist creature that believes you are nothing more than an idea. You know, the guy addressing this to you just to reach those that think you dey chill for some third heaven abi fourth heaven abi space, while in reality you just dey chill for their heads as nothing more than an idea. This is where my letter ends. Not like you read it. After all, before molding Eve you already knew the contents of this letter.

If we ever meet(yeah right) I'll teach you some sort of a gangster handshake that only few can do using those nail holes in your palm. Your dad would probably approve. I've always suspected he makes fun of them. Does he tease you by trying to hang paintings/pictures from those holes?

Yours sincerely,
Enoch. (not the other one oh!. But you know who already. silly me)



PS: Speaking of molding EVE, were you attracted to her? I can imagine Adam waiting forever while you were caressing in the name of molding. Don't take that the wrong way, I'm just curious. I'm asking because you threw a fit when she put on her clothes in the garden. Kinda like a peeping tom would.